Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Top 13 Secrets My Girlfriend Doesn’t Know

Why 13? Because it's more than 10.

1. Biore – Yes, I'm an addict to Biore pore strips. Sure, I assume there're better products out there, but I dig the fuckin' strips. Yes, after I put it on and strip it off 10 minutes later, I spend an additional 10-15 minutes examining where each little epidermal hitchhiker has been hiding.

2. Feet – The girlfriend person isn't a big fan of my feet. One day I was showering and a found a rock in the shower. I'm like, "What the fuck is a rock doing in here?" So, I proceed to wash the daily filth that collects off my body and dry off and all sorts of post-shower rituals. Later in the day we'll be watching TV and I throw my legs over and I'll hear a gasp and a quick question, "Did you use the Pumice stone?" I'm like, "What the fuck is that?" "That Pumice stone I left in the shower so you can wash those Hobbit feet of your's!" So, it takes me a few showers to remember why there's a rock sitting in the shower. I find myself scratching my head mouthing the words, "Hobbit feet." Then I start scrubbing with this rock and then finding myself enjoying it.

3. Sleeping – One thing I enjoy during sleep is when I wake up early so I can see her face. There's something vulnerable about her mouth hanging up and a quart of saliva spilling out. I find it excessively entertaining.

4. Snoring - Another great thing about the slumbering process is the snoring. She sounds like a Jim Henson muppet gurgling. She thinks it's unladylike. I find it kinda cute.

5. The Cats – I'm more than convinced that our cat, Blooford Von Kitten Hausen, can read our thoughts. And I firmly believe that our other cat, The Ewok, is schizophrenic. The Ewok's always staring. Staring into some dark oblivion that is the wall.

6. 7-11 – It's not true that the 7-11 didn't have change that one day when I went to get my Rockstar and evening snack. It's just that the gay dude working behind the counter was havin' a bad quarrel day with his lover and I didn't want to interrupt. Often times gay men seem to ask for my opinion.

7. New Kids on the Block – I never liked New Kids. I just said that to get her in the sack.

8. The Feeding – Sometimes I feed that cats at 4 instead of 5 just so I can get more writing time in. It just so happens the cats will bug me and read over my shoulder until I feed them so they can get back to daily sleeping activities.

9. Renting Videos – Watching videos is always a compromise seeing that we have to watch them together. Unfortunately we have different levels of interest and many times in the same films we happen to like. Just once I'd like to watch a really shitty action or horror flick all by myself without the scowling commentary that emanates in laughter.

10. Pooping – Contrary to popular belief I'm not a huge fan of bowel movements. Admittedly, there was a time in my life I found them an act of relaxation and a way to catch up on my reading, but in the past few years, I've been too antsy. Now, it's like plippity-ploppity-plop-plop and out of there in 2 minutes or less. Hopefully I'll finish an Entertainment Weekly
sidebar within that time.

11. American Idol - On January 17, 2007 I found myself watching American Idol because I was hoping to catch another ill-conceived attempt at Lost or Bones, but maybe they're cancelled now. My summer DVD viewing is in peril. And five minutes into this highly-rated program, it's as bad if not worse than I imagined. Some skank is trying to sing and the judges are about as inarticulate and idiotic as the people they're tryin' to fuck over.

12. Tyra Banks – The girlfriend knows about my disdain for queen of all media, Tyra Banks, but I think this year is the year she will sink to new lows and I wanna be there to witness the insanity that is Tyra.

13. This Blog – She doesn't know about it.
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