Sunday, November 30, 2008

4 Reasons Why Mark Wahlberg Pissed on a Coffee Shop

It seems like there a lot of people upset about this photo. Some folks attack TMZ for sinking to all-times lows. The thing with TMZ, and I'm not a fan, is that they have an army of photographers and video dorks running around snapping anything they can because the public demands celeb news all the time. It doesn't even have to be a story. Just a pic.

The other issue with this pic is that some folks blame some rich rockstar actor for being able to piss on whatever and where ever he wants. Okay. It seems that people who've never been to LA, let alone Venice Beach, don't seem to understand the difficulty of trying to find a public bathroom in Venice.

First. IF, that's right IF, you're able to find parking in Venice Beach, there is NOWHERE to piss let alone take a shit. And if you did find a place to piss, you'll be sharing it with some bum who's decided to take a bird bath or there won't be any toilet paper. And sometimes the stench is really toxic. I mean, hell, we can probably scraped off the grime off of Los Angeles' public rest rooms and drop a bio attack on our enemies to win whatever war we set out. And if you're someone like Mark Wahlberg, you don't wanna be going to a meeting or seeing someone smelling like you just took a piss in a Venice Beach bathroom.

Second. There is some concern that this was behind a coffee shop. I don't know the sitch, but IF you were someone as recognizable as Mark Wahlberg would you want to bust into a coffee shop just to piss? I mean, hell, some coffee shop owners are Nazis like that. They expect you do buy a cup of coffee which typically has line longer than Dirk Diggler's dick. And then you might have to ask for a key. But usually, someone has the fuckin' key and it's some bum who managed to scrape up enough change to buy a cup of coffee just so they can take a bird bath (see Westwood Village's Starbucks). By fuck. By that time you're already pissing your pants. Now, imagine how embarrassing that would be to see Marky Mark, tough kid from Boston, pissing in his Calvins. Not an image I want to see. The poor guy would probably die of humiliation.

Third. If this was some revenge tactic for hacking up a huge-ass loogie and swilling it into his java for destroying their nerdy fantasy of Planet of the Apes, then that coffee shop probably deserved it. That's right. Give 'em the Three Kings special with a side of David O. Russell wrath. And it's a good thing that TMZ or whoever took these pix cropped his license plate out of the pic or else there'd be a gang of paparazzi pissing on his lawn.

Fourth. The typical human bladder can hold up to approximately 400–620 mL. Fuck. If that shit's full and you're driving around town sucking down a bottle of water like that, and you can feel the beads of urine at the spit hole of your urethra, fuckin' pull over into the nearest alley and piss already.

Now, what typically happens is that there's always a public apology that goes along with all this crap. You know, where he's pressured by his image consultant(s) where he says, "Gee, sorry about that and I'll never do it again." Dude, they're lucky Marky Mark didn't take a shit. But that would be just fucked up because shit stink lingers. Of course, if this coffee shop is owned by someone I know... can I have a cinnamon roll?
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