THE CONVENT: The Best Evil Nun Movie of All Time!

The Convent (4 out of 4)
R, (2000), 79 min, Lions Gate Entertainment.

Joanna Canton, Megahn Perry, Richard Trapp, Jason Dax Miller, Kelly Mantle, Liam Kyle Sullivan, David Gunn, Jim Golden, Chaton Itae, Renee Graham, Coolio, Adrienne Barbeau and Bill Moseley, Music by Joseph Bishara, Produced by Jed Nolan, Written by Chaton Anderson and Directed by Mike Mendez.

Adrienne Barbeau straddles a broken down piece of shit motorcycle while wielding a machete and looks up to Heaven, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name, please start this fuckin bike or were all gonna bite the big one."

Yes, this is the 79-minute epic about demonic nuns inhabiting the bodies of pot-smoking frat boys and debbies for the ultimate Apocalypse in day glow. It starts off in 1960 as young Christine garbed in her Catholic school girl outfit and a leather jacket ambling toward the convent with a can of gas-o-line and a baseball bat. She kicks in the door, swigs some whiskey and starts goin' Barry Bonds on some bitches. Then she douses them bitch-ass nuns with gas and sets them on fire. And to make sure they're nice and dead, she pulls out a shotgun and starts blowin's 'em away 80's macho man style. Fuck, man. Genius.

40 years later, the facts are reduced to a mere urban legend and some dopey college kids decide to check out the haunted convent and then start smoking pot and to awaken some demon-ass nuns that ooze day glow blood through day glow veins. In short, the 'shroomin' Frijole and his friends all get turned into demons and Clarissa escapes with her life. Her only hope is to track down the nun-buster, Christine, to help save her virgin brother who could still be alive. Christine swigs her whiskey, racks her shotgun, "All right, you motherfuckers! This time I'm taking you to Hell myself!"

But like all genius flicks there's wall to wall characters. Sure, ya got the stoned Frijole about to get a blowjob from his demon beaver, Mo, (who was saving herself for Marilyn Manson) and quips, "Damn, girl, you're like all demonic and shit." Then Sol, the self-proclaimed Son of Satan (who works at the local Dairy Cream) who's about as flamingly British as his West Hollywood minion of evil, who somehow can't find it in his heart to kill his virgin sacrifices. Then there's the two-face courrupt campus po-lice, Coolio and Bill Moseley, who are trying to scare off kids from the dilapidated convent.

I only wish this flick had more extras, but, hell, the flick is worth it alone. What're ya waitin' for damn you! Get it!

Scared Stoopit:

Freeway, Modern Vampires, Army of Darkness, Dead-Alive, Undead, The Frighteners, Wild Zero, Junk, Shaun of the Dead, Cemetery Man, Triple-B Header, Bloody Mallory, Bubba Ho-Tep...

Scared Stoopit:

Freeway, Modern Vampires, Army of Darkness, Dead-Alive, Undead, The Frighteners, Wild Zero, Junk, Shaun of the Dead, Cemetery Man, Triple-B Header, Bloody Mallory, Bubba Ho-Tep