13 Things that Need to Be on DVD!

Okay, The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. finally made it to DVD, the Phantasm films are finally here, the country-singin' Sly Stallone epic Rhinstone is out, the Sleestacks of Land of the Lost finally got its DVD due, so what's left? How about these 13 jewels? Why 13? Because it's more than 10 and less than 15.


1. Hardware (1990) (aka M.A.R.K. 13)


Richard Stanley's unsung sci-fi gore fest about a killer machine stalking and slaughtering tentants in an apartment complex. This stars Dylan McDermott as a post-apocalyptic shock troop on leave to bang his woman a little. Iggy Pop lends his voice as the robotic DJ, Angry Bob. You can even hear his "Cold Metal" playing on the radio at one point. William Hootkins from Star Wars (Red 6 aka Porkins) and Munson from Flash Gordon plays a masturbating voyuer who watches Stacey Travis, the naked and very tortured artist, paint the Mark 13 along with Ministry music playing in the background.



2. Bugsy Malone (Region 2) (1976)



This Depression Era sing and dance gangster epic stars a very short Scott Baio and a very tall Jodie Foster duped in a world run wild by children gunning each other down with the "splurge gun"--an automatic cream pie slinging weapon. And Michael Jackson plays the part of young Razmataz. I wonder if that's what he says when he's... fuck it. Music by Paul (Phantom of the Paradise) Williams.



3. Electric Dreams (1984)



Twin Peaks alum Lenny Von Dohlen, Virginia Madsen and Bud (Harold & Maude) Cort star in a love triangle between an arcitecht, a cellist and a computer named Edgar. Directed by Steven (Coneheads) Barron.



4. Monster Squad (1987)



Shane Black wrote his little story about kids discovering Dr. Van Helsing's diary revealing Dracula's return and reanimates the classic Universal monsters. Not to be confused with the Fred Savage flick, Little Monsters which is already on DVD. Directed by Fred (RoboCop 3) Dekker.



5. Sugar Hill (1974)



Not to be confused with the Wesley Snipes blaxploitation picture, but the other blaxploitation movie about a big, bad mama with an attitude Diana "Sugar" Hill and her zombie hitmen righting that which was once fucked. Now, see, I haven't actually seen this, but I NEED to see this. It sounds like a classic. Right up there with Dead Heat. Apparently, it's available only in Region 2. Directed by the producer of many a Police Academy films.



6. Howard the Duck (1986)



Not so sure about this one. This looks like one of those Amazon bootlegs. But this is the heartwarming true story of a duck from another planet that comes to save us from evil mutant bugs in Ohio. Written and directed by Indiana Jones alum, Williard Huyck. The film damn near destroyed his career, but at least George Lucas is rich.



7. High Road to China (Region 2) (1983)



Jilted out of Lucas' first choice to play Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark because of his contract with Magnum PI, Tom Selleck attempted to make a career as a high-flying, drunken fighter ace in High Road to China. There were a lot of these kinds of Indy flicks at the time like The Further Adventures of Tennessee Buck, Jake Speed, Biggles: Adventures in Time, Sahara (yes, the Brook Sheilds one), but this was one of my faves at the time. Not sure if it holds up, but I'd like to find out.



8. My Best Friend is a Vampire (1988)



Another flick I haven't had the pleasure of seeing, but I remember way back in the day the TV spots would play Blondie's One Way or Another. Not to be confused with the Jim Carrey flick, Once Bitten, but this follows pretty much the same premise as a dude who's becoming a vampire after some good sexing.



9. The Black Sheep Squadron (Volume 2) (aka Baa Baa Black Sheep) (1976-1978)



Okay, they got Volume 1 on DVD, but what about the rest? Fuckers. Release that shit! I need to finish up the series! Well, I've read the book written by Gregory "Pappy" Boyington and it pretty much ends with him in a Japanese POW camp. But the first half of the book is about him and his airborne fighter aces fending of the Japs in WW II for which the show was based. It starred all sorts of people. Robert Conrad, John Larroquette, Dana Elcar, Robert Ginty, Charles Napier, Simon Oakland, George Gaynes, Sharon Gless, James Whitmore Jr., etc.



10. Friday the 13th the Series (1987-1990)



We got our Kolchak, so now let's get Jack Marshak and friends back on the case of the paranormal. Basically, these antique store owners hunt down and catalogue cursed objects. There's one episode I remember about a cursed hearing aid that attached itself to some guy's brain and yanked it all out.



11. Tales of the Gold Monkey (1982-1983)



Okay, since I'm on a TV kick, what about Tales of the Gold Monkey? This was a kinda TV-based Indiana Jones starring Stephen Collins gnawing on a cigar flying around in a plane called Cutter's Goose having adventures and shit. From what I understand there's a bootleg version available somewhere, but fuck that noise. I wanna see it in all it's muddy 1982 TV quality the best tech the DVD can muster.



12. The Road Warrior (Special Edition) (1981)



Well, it's on DVD, but I'm not fuckin' statified. I want a fuckin' special edition Road Warrior. Get off your ass, you fuckin' Jew-hater and give us the special edition this classic deserves!





13. Crimewave (Region 2) (1985)





Sam Raimi directed a Cohen Brothers' script which was an ode to the slapstick gangster film which has arguably the best Bruce Campbell performance since Ash J. Williams of the Evil Dead movies. Of course, from what I remember Raimi hated the final result. For one, the powers that be took Bruce out of the starring role to pave the way for future comedic thespian... uh, what's his name? Fuck it. They fucked up there, but Renaldo the Heel will live in our penises forever.