If you haven't seen it yet, I think it's about time you did. Of course my role was the same as before. A carry-over credit from last spring. And it looks like The Good Boys have settled on a logo. And it's my fave next to the Flexoids' one. Which is The Good Boys [Used Condoms Edition]. And this just happens to be the censored version. James got scared and decided the uncensored version was too extreme for their sponsors. I tried to clean it up a bit and he hrmmed and said that might work. But I guess he went for my second fave which is the toy gun jolly roger. At one point they were toying around with the idea of using several different logos at the end of each episode, but possibly for consistancy they settled on the jolly roger. That's a-okay in my book.
In Other News...
My manager seems pretty confident about putting Island Macabre out on the market. I'm working on a new draft presently that expands a lot of characters and subplots. Originally, the script was 93 pages, but it looks like it's gonna be a big, fat, juicy 105. My original intention was to keep it as small as possible to post on Inktip. For those who don't know, Inktip is a little marketing site where you can post your script and hope to score a few interests and possibly sell your work. But the thing they DON'T tell you at Inktip, is that most of the producers there are small to micro-budget companies. So, if you have a big budget, high concept story, don't bother. Inktip just raised it's prices last year right in the middle of an economic crisis. That puts a pinch in a writer's pocket.
The Holiday Break
Not only was I doing some PG-Porn and some Sparky & Mikaela stuff, I was also working on a small film noir script over the holiday break. I cranked out an 85-page rough draft of a script called The Bruise Box that centers around one setting and a very small cast. The intention was to make it appealing to post on Inktip and to possibly shoot myself if I wanted. It still needs to be expanded a bit and some kinks worked out, but I'm pretty happy with it. It's a dark, complicated, psycho-thriller that uses a Rawhead and Bloodybones parallel to tell the story. Only Rawhead and Bloodybones in this case are cops. Yep. Did a lot of research on cops this past season. You'd probably seen me post a lot of police-related stuff on James's page. But this is the story about the bad guys who wind up being the good guys. And the police who end up being the bad guys.
What's New?
Doing research on a lot of bounty hunters. My next project will be a buddy story about hot bounty hunter chicks that go around snatching up bad guys and committing a lot of mayhem along the way. Been watching a lot of Dog The Bounty Hunter and up next is Family Bonds. This next project is gonna be fun. After writing something dark and twisted like The Bruise Box, I want to do something that's just plain fun.
One Last Thing...
James is gonna be on Jeffnuts again this Wednesday so be sure to watch. If you miss it, don't sweat it. I'm sure they'll archive it nice and pretty. If you missed the last time he was on, check it out here.
And where the fuck are all the jiggas?! Where you folks at? It's gettin' lonely over at the JGAS boards. Got a bunch of stuff to chill about!
Below are a few facts from the set of JAMES GUNN’S PG PORN: ROADSIDE ASS-ISTANCE brought to you by James himself:
- This was actually the first episode of PG PORN we shot, before NAILING YOUR WIFE – it was, essentially, the pilot. We shot it over a year ago.
- Although this was the first episode, Sasha wasn’t the first adult actress on board the PG PORN SERIES. That was Belladonna, who we cast in GENITAL HOSPITAL (the 2nd episode we shot). But Bella’s schedule was busy at the time, and she wasn’t able to immediately shoot like Sasha was.
- The budget was under $2,000.00.
- Many people will notice a joke in this is similar to a joke in the fake trailer from SCREAM QUEENS that ended up being the “Clip of the Year” on Talk Soup. That is, the “And by record, I mean, ‘VAGINA’” moment. We actually shot this joke first. The morning we were going to shoot the SCREAM QUEENS trailer, I decided to throw this joke in there, thereby ripping myself off. Because getting the Clip of the Year on Talk Soup was the proudest moment of my life, I don’t regret it.
- Sasha Grey came in remarkably prepared – she knew her lines backwards and forwards and had the whole thing worked out. Unlike a lot of adult actresses, she is even prettier in person than she is on screen.
- After this, Sasha Grey was cast as the lead role in Steven Soderbergh’s new film, THE GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE. Although she never told me this was due to her performance in PG PORN, I’ll take for granted that this is the case.
- Brian and Sean and Pete Alton helped a lot in directing this thing, since I was on screen the whole time. Trying to focus on both can be frustrating at times. This was the first time I had directed myself in a scene since my cameo in SLiTHER.
- The kittens featured in the episode were cute as fuck. We borrowed them from a Kitten Rescue foster mother and gave Kitten Rescue a sizable donation in return.
- But those little guys were still a pain in the ass to shoot, and kept crawling out of the box and getting away.
- Although it was the first episode we shot, Tyler Bates didn’t do the score for it until last week. I think his music really helps the piece move along. A few people have asked me if they could get the music for PG PORN – well, we’re working on a deal with iTunes to carry all of Tyler’s score for the pieces. I’ll let you know when and if it happens.
Just in time for the holidays! James Gunn's PG-Porn: Peanus is now live on YouTube. Or you can check it out down below. Why not? You're here. The regular series begins some time in January and I believe it will air on Spike.com. This episode stars PG-Porn sensation Belladonna and Michael Rosenbaum of Smallville, but I like to think of him as that ridicuously awesome dude that was so awesome that he could walk around a horror film with a poodle in Urban Legend.
Once again, you can see my credit just briefly. My credit was pretty much a carry over from the last time which was designing the logo and doing the credits. But this time I did title cards like the "PG-Porn the series coming in January at the end and the 'To Be Continued'". But this was a companion job to another graphics gig I worked on for James Gunn's Sparky & Mikaela. Where I did more or less the same thing, but specifically the end titles. It's not that huge a thing, but it's certainly for a wider venue which is the Xbox Live. So, watch out for that! But in the meantime, enjoy PG-Porn: Peanus in all it's jizzeriffic glory!
Oh, and pimp the shit out of PG-Porn: Peanus with this 30-second spot. Carpet bomb the shit out of everything!
Edit:
Might as well keep these together. Here's PG-Porn: A Very Peanus Christmas!
It seems like there a lot of people upset about this photo. Some folks attack TMZ for sinking to all-times lows. The thing with TMZ, and I'm not a fan, is that they have an army of photographers and video dorks running around snapping anything they can because the public demands celeb news all the time. It doesn't even have to be a story. Just a pic.
The other issue with this pic is that some folks blame some rich rockstar actor for being able to piss on whatever and where ever he wants. Okay. It seems that people who've never been to LA, let alone Venice Beach, don't seem to understand the difficulty of trying to find a public bathroom in Venice.
First. IF, that's right IF, you're able to find parking in Venice Beach, there is NOWHERE to piss let alone take a shit. And if you did find a place to piss, you'll be sharing it with some bum who's decided to take a bird bath or there won't be any toilet paper. And sometimes the stench is really toxic. I mean, hell, we can probably scraped off the grime off of Los Angeles' public rest rooms and drop a bio attack on our enemies to win whatever war we set out. And if you're someone like Mark Wahlberg, you don't wanna be going to a meeting or seeing someone smelling like you just took a piss in a Venice Beach bathroom.
Second. There is some concern that this was behind a coffee shop. I don't know the sitch, but IF you were someone as recognizable as Mark Wahlberg would you want to bust into a coffee shop just to piss? I mean, hell, some coffee shop owners are Nazis like that. They expect you do buy a cup of coffee which typically has line longer than Dirk Diggler's dick. And then you might have to ask for a key. But usually, someone has the fuckin' key and it's some bum who managed to scrape up enough change to buy a cup of coffee just so they can take a bird bath (see Westwood Village's Starbucks). By fuck. By that time you're already pissing your pants. Now, imagine how embarrassing that would be to see Marky Mark, tough kid from Boston, pissing in his Calvins. Not an image I want to see. The poor guy would probably die of humiliation.
Third. If this was some revenge tactic for hacking up a huge-ass loogie and swilling it into his java for destroying their nerdy fantasy of Planet of the Apes, then that coffee shop probably deserved it. That's right. Give 'em the Three Kings special with a side of David O. Russell wrath. And it's a good thing that TMZ or whoever took these pix cropped his license plate out of the pic or else there'd be a gang of paparazzi pissing on his lawn.
Fourth. The typical human bladder can hold up to approximately 400–620 mL. Fuck. If that shit's full and you're driving around town sucking down a bottle of water like that, and you can feel the beads of urine at the spit hole of your urethra, fuckin' pull over into the nearest alley and piss already.
Now, what typically happens is that there's always a public apology that goes along with all this crap. You know, where he's pressured by his image consultant(s) where he says, "Gee, sorry about that and I'll never do it again." Dude, they're lucky Marky Mark didn't take a shit. But that would be just fucked up because shit stink lingers. Of course, if this coffee shop is owned by someone I know... can I have a cinnamon roll?
It seems like I’m so behind on blogs these days.Been wanting to put out a mega Things-to-do-for-Summer blog and a summer movie blog, but I just didn’t get around to doing them.Every Halloween I try and sit down to try and sift through recommendations I have, but once again the foul beast of Busy occupies me.
This year, I have plenty of Tricks and Treats.Shit you should watch, listen to, read and all sorts of other shit in between.
Flicks
I suppose I can bring up all the classics which you watch every year like Halloween, Friday the 13th, Hellraiser. Fright Night, the Michael Bay horror remakes and your assorted murder franchises.The problem is that I don’t keep up with much stuff as of late, so I’ll have to sift through my archives and pull out some gems.Starting with the killer yogurt movie from outerspace.
The Stuff
A forgotten little flick starring Devon Sawa, Jessica Alba and Seth Green.But there is a totally hilarious bit part with Vivica A. Fox as a demon huntress hunting down a demonic hand.
Idle Hands
This beach party schlocker stars a bevy of buxom babes and hot-roddin’ badasses fending off a small beachside community from a gang of atomic creatures with hotdogs stuffed into their mouths.
The Horror of Party Beach
For some reason this haunted asylum movie always seems to get overlooked.Probably one of the better possession movies out there.You might even recognize a few faces.
Session 9
How about a scary, little flick about a dead daughter… or is she?
Don’t Look Now
Or maybe Roman Polanski’s forgotten horror flick.
The Tenant
How about a kung fu vampire slayer flick?
The Vampire Effect (aka The Twins Effect)
No Halloween schlock list will be complete without the musical stylings of Guitar Wolf in Wild Zero.
Wild Zero
Tunes
They don't sell these compilations on Amazon or anything, but you can pretty much find all these at Russian Horrorpunk Freax.
Paid in Black: A Tribute to Johnny Cash
01. BLITZKID - I Walk The Line
02. THE BOO BERRYS - Sam Hall
03. ELECTRIC FRANKENSTEIN - Cocaine Blues
04. THE SPOOKSHOW - The Kneeling Drunkard's Plea
05. THE AGGRO-NUTS - Big River
06. MISTER MONSTER - Give My Love To Rose
07. THE GHOUL - Cry! Cry! Cry!
08. LONESOME SPURS - Folsom Prison Blues
09. NUKE AND THE LIVING DEAD - One Piece At A Time
10. THE MASSACRES - The Wreck Of The Old '97
11. COLONEL SANDERS GRAVE - Dark As A Dungeon
12. PSYCHO CHARGER - Wanted Man
13. THE BANG TALE - Sunday Morning Coming Down
Spooky, Swingin' Sounds of Kreepsville Manor
"Featuring demented surf / horror garage music by... The Legendary Invisible Men, The Fuzztones, Davie Allan and The Arrows, Psycho Charger, The Nebulas, The Vooduo, The Fiends, The 3-D Invisibles, The Hollywoods, Monsters from Mars, The Von Drats, Cult of the Psychic Fetus, The Worst, The Moon-Rays, and The Hangee V. Plus, a tale of terror, and 3 bonus sound f/x!..."
Psychobilly Ratpack Lesson 2
1. Sir Psyko - Sir Psyko & His Monsters 2. Ghostrider in the Sky - Sir Psyko & His Monsters 3. Human Hunter - Sir Psyko & His Monsters 4. Cellar Dweller - Bloodsuckin' Zombies From Outer Space 5. Dead Eyes - Bloodsuckin' Zombies From Outer Space 6. Nocturnal Vacation - Bloodsuckin' Zombies From Outer Space 7. Bastard in My Mind - Moonstruck 8. Horror Rock'n'Roll - Moonstruck 9. What's the Fridge - Moonstruck 10. Tears in My Eyes - Brain Dead 11. Demon on My Side - Brain Dead 12. Daddy Long Legs - Brain Dead 13. Demon Dancing Queen - The Hounted Prisoners 14. Deeper Then Your Grave Hole - The Hounted Prisoners 15. Vampyrgirl - The Hounted Prisoners
God Save the King: A Psychobilly Tribute to Elvis
1. Nigel Lewis (Meteors,Tall Boys) with The Tombstone Brawlers - Blue Moon of Kentucky
2. Spellbound - (You're The) Devil In Disguise
3. Batmobile - (Now And Then) There's A Fool Such As I
4. Lucky Devils - Milk Cow Blues
5. Cosmic Voodoo (Fet. Jeff Roffredo of Tiger Army and Rezurex and James Meza of Rezurex, Tiger Army and Nekromantix) - Bossa Nova Baby
6. Memphis Morticians - King Creole
7. King Sleaze (Lonesome Kings) with Batmobile - Long Black Limousine
8. Guitar Slingers (Fet. Doyley of Klingonz and Demented Are Go) - CC Rider
9. Monster Klub - That's Alright Mama
10. Spinballs (Fet. Thomas Palin Ex-Small Town Pimps) - Viva Las Vegas
11. Asmodeus - Little Sister (Live)
12. Ripmen - Crawfish
13. Thee Flanders - Happy Endings
The Ultimate 50’s Rockin’ Sci-fi Disc
And a bonus treat.
Sloppy Seconds – Endless Bummer
1. D.I.Y. Till We Die!
2. Kegs R 4 Kids
3. I Don't Wanna Go Out with You
4. You Can't Kill Joey Ramone
5. Thanks for the Mammaries
6. Everybody Hates the United States
7. P.O. Box 33046
8. Endless Bummer
9. Shut Up and Pour Me a Drink
10. High School Girlz
11. Let Me See Your Driver's License
12. Lois Lane
13. Achy Breaky Skull
14. Ray
15. This Is Your Brain on Drugs
16. Nightmare Theater
17. F.F. Sucks the World
18. Action
PG-Porn Pimpin'
And I suppose this blog wouldn't be complete without reminding you fine folks that James Gunn's PG-Porn premieres with Nathan Fillion and Aria Giovanni October 8 on Spike.com. To find out more vist PGPorn.tv and buy all your PG-Porn shit, go to the JGAS store. Make sure you tell all your friends to watch or the scary two-headed McPalin beast will get you!
The Ablazin' Devil Head has spoken.
Oh, shit. I'm also on IMDb now. Almost forgot that.
Okay. I want to talk about a project near and dear to my penis called PG Porn. As promised my big-ass, motherfuckin’ epic blog that I’ve been itching to tell you folks about. My digital adventures with Sir James Gunn and PG Porn. I suppose it’s no longer a secret that James’s new project is a little some-some called PG Porn. It will premiere on Spike.com October 8th.
James first emailed me back in March, I believe, and said “I want you to animate some logos and title cards for me”. I didn’t really know how to do that other than in Flash. So, I had to turn him down. He came back a few weeks later and said I can do the logos and someone else can do the animation. Cool. Went to work right away. The logos in question were for his production company, Good Boys Productions and a new totally top secret project called PG Porn. Man, did I do a lot of logos. Some I loved a lot more than the one he finally chose, but he’s the boss. The gallery of logos is posted below. Some of the designs were incomplete and samples of what I wanted to do, but didn’t want to waste too much time working on them until I got the bossman’s approval. I think in the end it’s probably best to do them all completely and have them look at them later. There was one concept which are two Lego figures having some sex which is based on a dingbat I found on Dafont.com. It wasn’t meant as a full design, but a concept that I was testing out to see how far I was allowed to go. It turned out James and the boys really dug it, but had issues with a possible copyright infringement, so I went ahead and designed it into something you’ll see much later in the design process where I created these toy robots on a box of condoms called Flexoids. But then that was too much for James and I had to censor it.
While I was sitting around and waiting for him to approve some art, I acquired some editing programs and played around with this skit he’d sent me called Nailing Your Wife with Nathan Fillion and Aria Giovanni. I re-edited some of it to help me understand how to work the editing programs. I’d send them off to James and we’d have a giggle about it. After October 8th, I believe I’ll be allowed to post what I call Nailing Your Wife (The Philty Phil Cut).
Shortly after that, I was editing some of James’s movies and putting them to music.
The Creator (LolliLove)
Let it Run (SLiTHER)
Titty Twister
After all those experiments I went ahead and did this title sequence demo using Michelle Dawson’s (aka Poly Girl) animation. The widget below contains my crappy animation of the title, but Michelle’s was so much more dynamic. James said he used the title sequence as a pitch or some sort of demo for talks with Spike.com.
Just recently, James sent me some pix of PG Porn and I threw a quickie Flash promo together so you folks can pimp this shit out on every MySpace comments. Tell your friends and enemies. PG Porn is coming soon… all up in your face! Post it everywhere!
T-shirts and Merchandise
I was also asked to design some merchandise. There’s also lots and lots of PG Porn T-shirts and other merchat the JGAS store. So, get your shit! There are not only just PG Porn stuff but also other James Gunn-related stuff.
If you’ve survived the PG Porn portion of this blog, here’s some stuff you might find boring. Between my PG Porn and life itself, I’d finished a 125-page screenplay called Jetwash—a sci-fi flick that’s been in the works for a long time. While the script is finished and it’s still being refined I’m pretty happy with how it turned out. My agent has it now and will see how that goes. I don’t have high hopes for it. It’s pretty hard to sell a big-budget sci-fi script for a first-time writer. But who knows. It was something I wanted to write.
Still not sure what my next writing expedition will be. I keep going back and forth between my trapped-in-an-apartment crime story and my big budget fighter pilot story and my sci-fi dragon story. It’s tough to choose. I suppose it would behoove me to write a small movie seeing that they’re easier to sell for unknown writers. But some stories are just too hard to resist.
Want a Small Part-time Job?
Also, my manager is in dire need of readers and coverage writers. The readers he has now are not really the best, but for those wanting or interested in a position somewhere in the movie industry, their ya go. Keep in mind, it doesn’t pay much (if at all), but talk to Tim and see what he can do for ya. But really, you’re helping him out because he needs quality readers. Check out the Mandy link below for more info.
Been catching up on some long lost Heavy Metal Magazine issues. Hard to say how much I loved Heavy Metal because I had such a love-hate relationship with his mag. While I enjoyed many of the stories, many more were also very censored (regardless of lots of nudity) which went against the supposed mission statement of bringing you some real down and dirty sci-fi/fantasy stories. Anyway, this dude here is sharing his collection.
If you find any of my antics interesting or entertaining, you will always find me at JGAS.org. It’s the first place I go in the morning and the last thing I check at night. If you want to ask James Gunn himself a bunch of questions or just want to flash your genitals, that’s the place to be. He’s there everyday and loves to watch his fans masturbate on his chin. So, JGAS.org. Be there or be dead!
Last Minute James Gunn Projects
Don’t forget that James’s reality show, Scream Queens, will premiere sometime in October. And his Xbox Live show will also be premiering in October along with PG Porn. So, be on the lookout. James owns the month of October like no one else. Check his MySpace page for dates and times.
Well, here's a four part video set of Q & A from last night's POULTRYGEIST screening at the Andy Warhol Museum. Excuse the breakups between the splices because I had to save repeatedly on my camera because it has a fuckalicious tendency to run out of batteries quick. I couldn't get many pix because they were real camera nazis at that place. But later, after the screening I was pretty comfortable using it.
The movie was pretty damn entertaining by the way. One of Lloyd's more ambitious efforts and it certainly doesn't back down from titties and splatter of every bodily ilk. Which is funny because some idiot set of parents brought an entire brigade of children and sat them down right in front of us. I'm like, "Dude, do they know what this is?" But some time before the movie started, that family up and left. So, suppose you can blame the Warhol Museum for posting "all ages" on their ads, but really, the parents were fuckin' idiots. I suppose it coulda been worse though. They coulda said, "We paid good money for this and we're gonna watch it, you little rat-faced bastards!"
Adding friends on MySpace is kinda rough on me because I don't always have time to devote to everyone. But I added this dude, Michael, writer for EntertainmentVine.com, a while back. I didn't know who he was, but I pretty much add anyone unless they're sex cammy girls or hip-hop bands. Anyway, he emails me about this "8 Questions with..." segment that he does. After reading the blog I realized he was one of Kim Poirier's buddies and whom I've interacted with in the past especially about Starship Troopers and the soundtrack. Anyway, here's the interview where all I pretty much do is talk about myself. Not sure if it's gonna be on EntertainmentVine.com or just on his MySpace blog, but there it is.
I.D. Theft
My friend, J.C., who now calls himself Antonio Chavez because he thinks it sounds cooler, just finished starring in a movie called ID Theft (sometimes known as Identity Theft) located on the shelf just under the Lloyd Kaufman collection. I was putting together a rough reel of that film. I'm gonna have to cut it down from 11 minutes to 3, but it's not like he has a wide collection of movie and roles to choose from. You can probably recognize him as one of the Denominators in Never Been Kissed. That was during that era in his life when we partied at the Lush in Santa Monica every Friday night and when he was doing a lot of extra work. Extras are those people in the background that don't say anything, but are stricly ambience.
If you've decided to keep reading and viewing all the media in order, you'll probably notice that an hour out of your life is missing. I've probably run outta steam on this blog by bringing this up last to get into this, but Jetwash is nearing completion. I took a break to learn some editing and FX programs and to take care of some life issues, but I'm back. Just read through a lot of the pages. I cut many pages setting me up around 109 pages total. Then I went ahead and started adding stuff and now I'm at 118 pages and still have to wrap up the third act. But it will be done shortly.
I suppose I've run out of space to talk about the best places to download comics and forgotten music, but I'll have to get to that at another time. I've also got more news to announce in a few weeks, so it'll have to wait till then.
I guess I’ve been gone for a while.Well, not really gone, but kinda working.Been trying to finish a couple of scripts I wanna send off to my agent.It’s gonna be a double-whammy.A space opera called Jetwash and an adventure yarn called Island Macabre which a couple of you have been reading.
Jetwash In 1992, this started at one point with a kitchen sink of ideas called Heavy Cage I brainstormed with an old Army buddy in basic training.But unfortunately, it was just a bunch of epic ideas thrown together with way too many characters and no real story or anywhere to go.Then in 1995 I took another stab at it but this time focusing on one concept and creating a new character, Mr. Melee.I decided to turn it into a full-on space opera like Flash Gordon or Buck Rogers.For one reason or another the story kept getting bigger and less controllable.Then I put Mr. Melee away again and focused on other scripts.In fact, more than 30 scripts.In 2007, I decided to revisit the prospect of revamping Mr. Melee into something that’s now called Jetwash.Mr. Melee is no longer the lead, but is part of a team of disbanded fighter pilots that uncover an intergalactic conspiracy.I got about 90+ pages in when I realized I really should turn in another story to make it’s easier for my agent to market me as a writer instead of just banking on my kids script.So, I did a quick, scan of my Island Macabre serial.
Island Macabre I adapted the serial into a screenplay in a matter of five days.The hard part was trying to figure out the last few episodes of the serial and making it a complete script.That took another couple weeks.Anyway, it’s done and pretty damn happy with it.
Island Macabre wasn’t always called Island Macabre.At one point like say in 1994, it was a contemporary western set in Texas caves searching for a legendary old outlaw’s loot while being chased by bounty hunters, sky pirates and state troopers.That little desert yarn was called Pay Dirt. For one reason or another I couldn’t make that story work.Not sure why.I would always lose interest.I suppose I could still write a structured story, but if I’ve lost the initial interest, then I didn’t want to continue.I think a lot of it had to do with way too many characters and triple-crossed and quadruple-crosses.
Then in 1999, I had a Word World II story called Skeleton Crew about 5 Allied prisoners sent into post-war Berlin to seek out and bring back Hitler’s head as proof of his death to clear their names.Another concept that never really worked out the way I wanted and lost interest.Then some time in 2005 I wanted to do a movie about a zombie samurai island.What I did is take elements of Pay Dirt and Skeleton Crew that mutated into a story called The Hard Way to Hell and then later when the characters started to pan out, Island Macabre.Then it finally became more of NOT what I wanted, but more of what I liked.So, now I have a character that’s dumb enough to go head-on into a horde of samurai undead with a broken Swiss Army knife.
CUT! 2008 In between all that I’ve also been working on some things for the CUT! Film Fest that some of you went to between March 29-30.Unfortunately, I couldn’t go to the CUT! so, my contribution were these two thingies I did for the SLiTHER panel and one for the Wrath of Gods panel. You can buy merch with these designs at the links below.
Lastly, I’d like to take some time to thank you fine folks for the birthday wishes.I was rushing around trying to get things done that I didn’t really stop to smell my birthday.
So, here it is:
Mike D: Happy easter, and early Happy Birthday!
Thanks for the birthday wishes, man, but a dude who calls himself The Ablazin’ Devil Head, isn’t all into celebratin’ the birthday of christ.That’s right.Little c.
Melissa Joan Hart: Happy birthday!
When it comes from Melissa Joan Hart, a simple "Happy Birthday" is what a simple brother needs.
Joseph 08: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m not going to make you page more of a hassle to load by including an image. Instead I offer words. Words of a great year to come for you, full of happiness and joy.
Fuck.I was really lookin’ forward to the penis pic.But this so-called great year is only kick-ass so far.I suppose I owe that much to you, Joseph.
don’t forget 2 make 3 wishes b4 blowing out 18 candles..
@__________________^
((( dreamer school ))) music make dreams come true together!
Yeah, I was embarrassed all to hell from the last class that sing a happy birthday to me in front of everyone.Was not a fan.So, I’ll accept a simple mouthing of the words.Oh yeah, thanks.
Curious: ♥ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♥ Party like a rock star :) because I love you so much, and it’s your birthday send me an email to curiouslovesyou@gmail. com with your favorite song of mine, and I’ll email you an MP3 of that song!! Wishing you the best year yet!
XOXOX CURIOUS
The Divine Madness: Birthday Wishes and Kisses my friend:) xo Lady V + DM
I wonder if the free Mp3 is still good.Oh wait, you didn’t say free did you?
The Good Ship Venus and Friggin’ in the Riggin’
Both Good Ship Venus and Friggin’ in the Riggin’ play a pretty big part in character development in Island Macabre. They’re both in the player above. Basically, Good Ship Venus is drinking song the was supposed to be shocking ly dirty. I suppose it is depending on what era you lived in, but the Sex Pistols wanted to make sure it was raunchy enough, so they re-did it. Here are the lyrics to both.
The Good Ship Venus
Aboard the good ship Venus,
You really should have seen us,
With a figurehead of a whore in bed,
And a mast of a phallic genus
The captain of the lugger,
Was known as a filthy bugger,
Declared unfit to shovel grit,
From one ship to another.
The cabin boys name was Chipper,
A Randy little nipper,
He made a pass with a broken glass,
And circumcised the skipper.
The first mate’s name was Morgan,
By gosh, he was a gorgon,
From half past eight he played till late,
Upon the captain’s organ
The captain’s wife was Charlotte,
Born and bred a harlot,
Her thighs at night were lily white,
By morning they were scarlet.
The captain’s daughter, Mabel,
Though young, was fresh and able,
To fornicate with the second mate,
Upon the chartroom table.
The captain’s younger daughter,
Was washed into the water,
Her plaintive squeals announced that eels,
Had found her sexual quarter.
The ship’s dog’s name was Rover,
We turned that poor thing over,
And ground and ground that faithful hound
From Teneriff to Dover.
And when we reached our station,
Through skillful navigation,
The ship got sunk, in a wave of spunk,
From too much fornication.
Friggin’ in the Riggin’
It was on the good ship Venus By Christ, ya shoulda seen us The figurehead was a whore in bed And the mast was a mammoth penis
The captain of this lugger He was a dirty bugger He wasn’t fit to shovel shit From one place to another
Chorus: Friggin’ in the riggin’ Friggin’ in the riggin’ Friggin’ in the riggin’ There was fuck all else to do
The captains name was Morgan By Christ, he was a gorgon Ten times a day sweet tunes he’d play On his fuckin’ organ
The first mate’s name was Cooper By Christ he was a trooper. He jerked and jerked until he worked Himself into a stupor
Chorus
The second mate was Andy By Christ, he had a dandy Till they crushed his cock with a jagged rock For cumming in the brandy
The cabin boy was Flipper He was a fuckin’ nipper So he stuffed his ass with broken glass And circumcised the skipper
Chorus
The Captain’s wife was Mabel To fuck she was not able So the dirty shits, they nailed her tits Across the barroom table
The Captain had a daughter Who fell in deep sea water Delighted squeals revealed that eels Had found ’er sexual quarters
Before returning to Jetwash (aka Mr. Melee), my epic space opera conserning a disbanded group of misfit fighter pilots, I'm posting another Island Macabre story that Scott's been pressuring me to finish. As it stands there are only three more episodes left. Or at least that's what I've outlined. It's possible if I figure out the structure that I could morph this into a screenplay, but that's later down the line.
Yes, this episode was once titled Wake Up Undead. It was a reference that only people who listened to Megadeth would get from their tune, Wake Up Dead. But I changed it to make it more accessible... and yet it still happens to be vague. Avast, here be The Amscray Train Out of Deadsville.
ISLAND MACABRE: Episode 4 - "The Amscray Train Out of Deadsville"
Orion takes a fire extinguisher and smashes open a cold drink vending machine.
"Honeycomb, start takin' some of the professor's booty out to Temba."Rooke runs past Teach who hands her a bag of first aid equipment."Professor, snatch up some foodstuffs."
Teach sprints over to the snack machines where two bodies are slumped over a table.He goes to a corpse and lifts his wallet and feeds the machine.He's proud of his ingenuity, but the machine rejects his bill.
Rooke tosses the phone book, map and bag of first aid gear in the Rover.Her laptop is secured in a shoulder bag wrapped around her.She hears a symphony of nocturnal chaos and mayhem conducted by Shanghai Mars and his pirates.Motorcycles zip around the streets, but none of them are close enough to worry about.Her eyes scan the streets while backing into the hospital.
"Professor!"Orion sees Teach trying to flatten out a bill."What in Valhalla are you doin'?"
"It won't take my bill."
Orion picks up a chair and smashes in the candy bar vending machine glass.
"Say," Teach starts, "I'm quite craving one of these Rubens."
"Those sandwiches have been in there for a year or longer, Professor.You sure you really want some of that?"
"It's just that the sugar sticks to my teeth."
Rooke walks in as Orion hands her a bag of cold drinks."Shanghai Mars and his guys are running around out there."
Orion nods, "I say we cut our losses and take the first Amscray Train outta Deadsville."Orion and Rooke are about to leave, but Teach hesitates.Orion double-takes, "That means we're gettin' the fuck outta here, Professor."
"Oh.Quite right.You have a delicious way of expressing yourself, Captain."
Orion and Teach are the first out the door and stuffing bags into the Rover.Teach packs down a bag when Orion notices something out of the corner of his eye.Orion slowly pulls himself out of the Rover seeing Rooke with a blade to her throat.She gulps as the golden-tooth grin of Shanghai Mars creeps up from behind her shoulder.
"All fuckers hoay!"Shanghai Mars shouts.
The pirates' motorcycle headlights beam on pointing right at the Rover.Teach and Orion are blinded by tens of lights.
"Well I be cornfucked."Shanghai Mars starts, "If ain't it be the gratin' Orion Shamblerock."Shanghai Mars throws Rooke aside towards one of his men."Nice little dungbie on this here fine wench."Shanghai Mars walks up to Orion.
"Didn't think you and your scurvy boys made it past the pin worms," Orion says.
"I must say," Shanghai Mars says with a bit of a swagger, "that was quite silly little thing."He presses his grimy nose against Orion's."Don't suppose you be scavengin' for the old shogun's treasure."
"How do you fit into all this?" Orion asks."Following me way out here is pretty huge.Probably one of the stupidest moves you coulda made.You might as well waited till I got back to the Dum Dum Club and jacked me there.Saved yourself a lot of trouble."
"Me ancestry be goin' back a bit.That treasure be hornswaggled from me great, great, great, great grandfolk by the shogun and his samurai scum.Now that he be dead, we be gettin' dibs on the claim, aye."
"Are you sure the old folks didn't drop the booty when they saw those pin worms coming outta the canyon and ran back to the ship?"
"I ain't got a single speck of yella in me line!"
"If the jaundice fits."Orion thinks about it."Wait.Do you even know what the treasure is?There's no treasure.We're on an archeological dig of scientific proportions."
Shanghai Mars presses the barrel of a Desert Eagle under Orion's chin and gravels softly, "Where be the map?"
Orion raises his hands holding the map between two fingers."Take it easy with that pig iron."
Shanghai Mars snatches the map looking at Orion cock-eyed."Avast, ye fucker.If this be a sham, the wench's breakfast be spillin' on the ground.And ye be sportin' the one-second lobotomy."
"You don't need the woman, Shanghai Mars."
"The wench ain't me type."Shanghai Mars lets out a piercing whistle.Rooke is shoved into the light."They be an ass-pain to lug around."
Shanghai Mars backs behind the ring of motorcycles chuckling.
Orion feigns a grin and throws his thumb up.
From beyond the lights Shanghai Mars yells, "Drop 'em!"The pirates' weapons begin to lock and load when one of the pirates shrieks in terror.All lights turn to Orion's big, black symbiote shoving its fingers into the top of the pirates' mouth and snapping the head right off.
Orion, Teach and Rooke sprint back into the hospital.Orion snatches the map from a distracted Shanghai Mars.
Shanghai Mars and his pirates blast away at the creature.It roars taking a couple hits.
Teach and Rooke round one of the corners when Orion lurches and drops to the floor.He slides leaving a bloody streak.They stop to check him.He's got a couple of bullet holes in his body.Teach puts pressure on his chest wound."He's been shot… again."
"They were shooting at the symbiote."Rooke says."They psychically and physically reciprocate each other's wounds."
The creature hops on to the overhang of the Emergency Room and disappears on to the roof.
Shanghai Mars and his pirates look around and see that the juggernaut is gone.Shanghai Mars finally realizes that he's missing the map."Orion!"He turns to two pirates.One on a Ninja and another on a Ducati."Ninja, Ducati, after yay map-jackers!"
Rooke and Teach help the hobbling Orion along the hallway.Teach stops at a hospital directory placard.He presses his blood-soaked finger against the "You are Here" arrow and runs it along the corridor to a second floor exit."The closest exit is on the second floor in the parking garage."
Two pirates' motorcycles zoom and screech around a corner presumably following Orion's blood trail.They all stagger toward stairwell door and head up.
The hospital PA system suddenly clicks on."Well I'll be fucked sideways!"Shanghai Mars says over the intercom."Whatever the Hell that be."
As Teach, Orion and Rooke bust through to the second floor, the motorcycles zoom by on the first floor.
On the first floor the two pirates screech to a halt.
Shanghai Mars flips around the security booth monitors watching Orion and company make their way down the hall.He holds the intercom to his mouth, "That thing be about as black as the night itself.Ye scallywags best be not makin' for the roof.That where it be now."
Ninja stops at the blood-streaked directory noticing their destination smeared in moist blood.He also sees that the blood speckles on the floor lead to the stairwell corridor.
Ninja rumbles up the stairs busting through the second floor door.The pirate sees the blood trail, pops a wheelie and zooms after them.
Shanghai Mars fumbles around the CD collection."Here be somethin' for ye dyin' pleasure.Die to the gleeful melody of new J-pop sensation of…" He squints and then sounds it out. "Nam…mie… A…mur… o."He slaps it into the CD changer as the upbeat pop music of Namie Amuro's Body Feels Exit.
The juggernaut creature stands on the roof of the hospital reaching for the moon.As its body begins to repair itself the pirates' bullets begin to squeeze out of his body as it roars.One bullet falls out while another in its chest struggles.
Orion thrashes forcing him to his knees yelping in pain.His teeth grind."Go on without me!I'm just slowin' ya down!"
"We are not leaving you here, Captain."Teach says with all the British chivalry he can muster.
"If I'm gonna die like a bitch in his knees then let it be so others could live."Orion grabs his chest spitting up blood and looks up at the fluorescent lights, "Come and get me, Odin.Come get me, you little girl!"
Teach grabs his mouth to cover up a staggered gasp, but his eyes water.He gulps and gets himself together and balls up his bony fists, "We shall not leave such valor unaided!"
Ninja screeches around the corner with his machine-gun drawn.
Orion whips out his Swiss Army knife, unfolding a 2-inch blade and turns to Ninja.Orion's eyes are crazy wild with his teeth gnashed due to him using whatever strength he's got left to protect Rooke and Teach.His tiny Swiss Army knife shimmers in the light."Come get your dinner, missy!Come and get your shanks!"
Ninja grins.The motorcycle speeds toward Orion.
The juggernaut growls in pain as the bullet shoots from his body while a ribbon of blood spurts from Orion's chest splashing into Ninja's eyes.The pirate loses control of the bike and crashes.Ninja slides head-first to Orion's feet.
Orion falls to his knees exhausted.He pats his bullet wounds.He's a bit surprised the pain is gone.
From behind Rooke sees Orion slump forward.Her eyes well up.Thinking this is the last of the great Orion Shamblerock.She sniffles as he turns to Rooke and Teach, "I feel better."
Rooke's jaw drops and Orion catches it."Were those tears for me, Honeycomb?"
"They were for you when I thought you were dead."
Orion wobbles to his feet saying, "Those tears deserve a kiss."Rooke walks away."Hey, Honeycomb, there ain't nothin' sweeter than tears and whiskey."
Shanghai Mars storms out of the security booth and into the waiting room.His pirates lounge around watching a blue screen on the TV.He takes a deep breath looking for someone to yell at, but they're all beat the fuck up.He finds one of his men's head knocked back against a chair with mouth agape.He walks over snatching up an M-60 and blasts away at the TV.A line of bullets chatter into the wall just inches from their heads.Hot shells skip and somersault over their faces and one falls into the mouth of the snoring pirate.Many duck for cover while some others are just overwhelmed by sleep deprivation.
"Avast, ye fuckmeats!"Shanghai Mars screams over the gunfire."They be headin' for the parking garage!Go fetch me map!"About half his pirates get up and trot down to the parking garage.Shanghai Mars grabs another belt of ammo and follows them.
Orion, Rooke and Teach walk around the parking garage.
"I say, Captain," Teach starts."That is a remarkable recovery."
"Well, I'm still a little shook up.Gets me thinkin' what would happen if that beast was decapitated.I wonder what things I'll have to say when my head's bouncing around like a soccer ball."
Rooke studies the map rubbing and phone book map."On the other side of this structure there should be a construction site.That's where the proposed parking structure addition is supposed to be."
Orion and company arrive at the construction site. Where the hospital parking garage ends is where the construction site begins. Just like the rest of the city so far, corpses lie about.A cluster of Devil's Winds swirl around a tractor with a digging bucket buried deep into the side of a hill.Looking into just the opening of the tunnel the first of the samurai catacombs is revealed.
Rooke smiles, "This is where the Breath of the Bushido escaped."She turns to Teach."Ancient bacteria.Prehistoric virus.My ass.This is a paranormal activity at its finest."Rooke takes out her camera about to take pictures, but her batteries are dead.
Teach holds in a grin, "I suppose the Breath of the Bushido is a bit shy of having its picture taken."
"I came all the way out here to document this shit and I've spent my batteries!"
"Take it easy, Honeycomb."Orion tosses her a dead man's Walkman."See if those work."
Orion takes a couple steps into the tunnel shining a right-angle flashlight into the catacombs."Uh, these fellas ain't gonna wake up are they, Honeycomb?"
Her answer, "I hope not."
Orion grimaces and nods."Honest answer."
Teach studies the uniforms of the ancient samurai warriors buried into the walls."Remarkable."
Orion takes a couple more steps into the catacombs, "Now, Professor, you say there was an epidemic that killed off this city.Why ain't we dead?"
"It's quite possible that if bacteria or a virus escaped it was killed off.Or it mutated with the environment.It's difficult to explain.This island requires much more research."
Rooke's camera is working again.She tapes Orion and Teach talking.She says, "For whatever your science brain can't explain, Teach, supernatural is just as easy to accept as your unanswered explanations."
"Hold on, Professor," Orion says."Do you know what's what down there?"
Orion hears Shanghai Mars screaming, "Ollie Ollie Oxenfreak!I be comin' to get ye!"
Orion begrudgingly shuffles into the moist and rancid tunnel.
Shanghai Mars sticks his face into the black of the tunnel.He pulls out a Zippo and flips it on and suddenly being startled by the skull of the samurai warrior.He can hear Orion and company stumbling down into the catacombs."Here it be.Avast!"Shanghai Mars marches in and disappears into the black.
A couple of his pirates follow, but the rest hesitate.And right behind them the big, black, symbiotic juggernaut drops behind them from the hospital roof top.The remaining pirates spin around.
Terrified shrieks echo throughout the catacombs.
Blood splatters on the face of the samurai corpse.
***
The juggernaut trudges into the catacombs.It splashes in the blood of the pirates.
The blood speckled across the samurai corpse's face seeps into the skull.Its jaw twitches.The samurai's fingers grip the handle of its samurai sword.
To be continued…
You'll find the likes of Scott and other talented writers at Shadow Daily.com.
Appendix (in No Particaular or Organized Order)
Namie Amuro - At one time she was the queen of a J-pop kingdom, but later Britney Spears'd out of the title by another queen of J-pop, Ayumi Hamasaki.
Body Feels Exit - her first solo single after her departure from Super Monkeys.
Right Angle Military Flashlights - The standard military-issue flashlights. Or at least that's what the Army wants you to think. You have to buy these on your own and they take it outta your pay. You don't need these, but they're actually cool to have when you're fumbling around in the dark in the middle of a mine field... or a cow shit field. They're more compact these days, but these are the kinds that Orion would be lugging around on his belt or cargo pocket.
Samurai - Warriors that pre-date Industrial Japan that were killed off by modernization. There's a great write-up on Wikipedia (Samurai).
Ducati - I know as much about motorcycles as I do about J-pop music, which is damn-near nothing. I do know a friend of mine who owns a couple of Duactis and says they're the best in the world. My pocket-editor told me that I needed to name my faceless pirates no matter how little they're seen (eg. Eyepatch, Goldtooth, Asshole, etc.). So I named them after the motorcycles they ride.
Kawasaki Ninja ZX-7 - I know as much about the Kawaksaki Ninja ZX-7 as I know about Ducatis and J-pop. I thought it would be cool to have a pirate named Ninja. That is all.
Desert Eagle - This is the fully loaded version of the Desert Eagle made famous in such films as The Last Action Hero and The Matrix. If you need all the accouterments on a pistol like this, then you're a pretty fucked up shot. But it looks good on film though.
M-60 - This belt-feed machine-gun was made famous my Mr. John Rambo in the Rambo movies. I've actually used this weapon a couple of times and it's not pleasant nor is it easily controlled as say the M-16 A2. It's erratic and hard to control even when it's on the bipod. If you can do as demonstrated in the video below, then you're pretty much the man.
Tractor with Digging Bucket - I know about as much about tractors as I do about J-pop, Ducatis and Ninja bikes, but this is what I had in mind when I wrote his story.
Evil Vending Machines - In Island Macabre Orion and friends smash in the vending machines for sustenance. If they weren't being hunted down by bad-ass pirates I'm sure they'd find a way to pay for everything. But since this town is dead, they don't have to worry about upsetting the delicate nature of commerce. So, this is an excerpt from Totse.com.
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Alright, I'm sick of reading all this crap on how to try and rip off vending machines when none of it works. Clay? Salt water? Gimme a fucking break. Keep reading to hear how to get into vending machines from someone who has worked with them for the last ten years, and still does.
Some warnings.
1- With electronics being so cheap these days, most people videotape their vending locations. Scope out the place first, look for cameras. At any rate, it's not good to look like you when you go raid the machines.
2- Almost all vending machines now have alarms and tilt switches installed on them. Candy machines have shock sensors on the front glass. All machines have plumb bobs on them. If at all possible, unplug the machine first to avoid tripping the anti-vandalism measures.
3- There was another warning I had all thought up, but now I can't remember it. I'll think of it later.
Okay, standard vending machines include soda machines, candy machines, cigarette machines and other upright product dispensing devices. I'll write a separate file for video games, bill changers and payphones later.
There are basically only two ways to get into vending machines without a key. Through the lock, or directly.
LOCKS
You can always try and pick the lock, using the standard method. The only problem with that is that there are usually at least eight settings, so you have to pick it three or four times to get the cylinder to travel enough to open the lock. That can be entirely too time consuming and generally not worth it. So, here are some better methods for opening a lock without picking it. It can be very easy to get into tubular locks or very hard, depending on how cheap the lock is.
Gematic-type: cheap as hell locks. Their main weakness is that the cam (small piece of metal on the back of the lock designed to hold the cylinder in place) is held on by a single, small, weak-threaded screw. Most of the time the cam is also only an aluminum alloy. To defeat this type of lock, you can use a tubular key. File it down so that only the pin that sticks up from the cylinder is left and when inserted into a lock it rotates freely, but you can't pull it out. Attach a chain to the key, then wrap the chain around a bar of some sort. Yank hard. Voila! Cam either comes completely off or is bent to hell, open sesame.
Ace-type: somewhat more expensive, better secure. The cam is held on by a nut over a larger bolt-type end. This makes it mainly pull-proof. However, the lock is only coated in carbon steel. Beneath that millimeter thin layer of hard metal there is only a nickel alloy. Insert a small drill bit into the cross section where the key slot meets the circular opening and go at it. After you get past the hard metal, the rest will give like soft cheese. Keep drilling until either the cylinder falls out, or you drill right through the lock and through the bolt in the end of the lock. It only takes me about five minutes to do this with a hammer drill.
American-type: you can tell these locks from the others by the fact that the face is completely flush. Instead of a tubular cylinder, these locks rely on a set of pins on the key, mounted at irregular depths. The face is drill-proof. These things are the Fort Knox of locks, if you see one you're pretty much fucked trying to open it without a key. So, on to the next method!
DIRECT
Let's not kid ourselves here. We're not trying to get into these things for the aesthetic value of the job. We want the stuff inside. C'mon, you want to try to dump salt water into these things, thinking it will completely ruin the machine and only work part of the time? I'm guessing we're not all that concerned with the well-being of the machine in question. Face it, this is a grab-and-go job. So fuck the lock, let's just get in.
Almost every single vending machine has the T-bar locking system. This means there's a steel bar traveling the length of the machine, securing the door at the top, bottom and side directly next to the lock, opposite the hinge.
This is a pretty good system. It doesn't work against someone determined to get in. Why? Because the point where the locking bar intersects with the machine's walls may be steel, but it's only about a quarter inch thick.
Bring a prybar and a hammer. Unplug the machine. Climb on top of it. Track where the locking bar intersects with the roof by going in a line straight up from the lock. Insert the prybar (you might have to hammer it down in) about an inch to the side of that position, toward the hinge. Pry the sucker open. Once you've got the top open, you can see where the locking bar goes into the side, pry that open too. From there you can yank the door open and grab anything you want.
A successful break-in to a vending machine should take less than three minutes. Doing it this way also doesn't damage the machine enough to make it unusable. In fact, it takes less than five minutes of welding to fix, thus the vending company loses very little... some product and a couple hundred dollars is chump change compared to the $7000 it costs for the machine. If you don't trash the machine, there's less of a chance the company will follow up on busting you for breaking into it.
![Philip Davetas [Screenwriter]](http://willmorecity.com/backgrounds/willmorebackground2010.png)
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