ISLAND MACABRE: Episode 2 - "The Hard Way to Hell"

You get to read Island Macabre: The Hard Way to Hell before it hits the ShadowDaily.com with an added feature--an appendix.

As always, have fun or be dead.

Island Macabre (Episode 2: The Hard Way to Hell)

A Philip Davetas Ride

Orion's Bitch soars over the foamy peak of a wave dragging a spray of sea and counter-measure flares. Shanghai Mars' jet-skiing pirates follow. The landing craft splashes down catching a downslide of the same wave.

In the landing craft's pilot house, Orion furls the wheel trying to avoid a renegade wave.

Teach panics, "You want us to fight them off?"

"Unless you have some really kick-ass maritime piloting skills that could be useful right about now."

"I'm afraid not."

"Well, I'm afraid so."

Rooke swings open the cabinet finding a WW II-era Browning Automatic Rifle and an M-1 Garand. "Did these rifles come with the boat?"

"Hey, don't knock 'em, honeycomb. Those things'll do the job nice and good. It still blows out the same kind of brains." Orion spouts over his shoulder. "Just don't open fire on the cargo hold walls or you'll be playing tag with your own bullet. Just fire in the air or the water. The reflex will send those fuckmeats leapin' for cover."

Teach and Rooke stand with the two rifles in hand still looking a little lost. Orion double-takes, "Those pirates ain't gonna shoot themselves! Scoot, scoot, scoot!"

A jet ski zooms past the pilot house and splashes down into the cargo bay.

Rooke and Teach duck behind an armored turret as the landing craft surfs down the wave. The pirate's jet ski stops at the mid point of the cargo bay. All the water has collected at the ramp. Teach cradles his rifle while seeing Orion making a finger gun. The pirate dismounts his jet ski while whipping out his Heckler 9MM.

"Are you going to shoot?" Rooke screams.

Teach answers, "You first!" He looks at a cargo strap whipping around the armor turret. "Oh. I think you should wear this to secure—"

Rooke steps up from behind the turret and blindly fires her BAR into the water. A hefty gust of water erupts from the sea pushing her out of the turret. Teach looks around while shaking the water out of his face. He searches for Rooke as a streak of lightning reveals she's not around.

The wave pushes Rooke onto the tarp of the Deuce and then onto the floor of the cargo bay knocking the rifle from her grip. She staggers for the rifle as the pirate takes aim.

The landing craft hits the bottom of the wave forcing more water in the cargo hold and throwing the pirate towards the ramp. Two more jet skis arch into the landing craft.

Orion slams the throttle making the landing craft glide up another wave. Shanghai Mars' voice squawks over the radio, "Hell ain't hot enough for ye, matey!"

Orion snatches the radio, "Well, I saw the ugly face of god."

"What the sonofabitch say?"

"Told me to come back a little later after I've raised enough Hell." Shanghai Mars chuckles just as Orion's about to hang up the radio when it occurs to him, "Did the Dragon Lady tell you about the tats?"

"She be the scuttlebutt pipeline."

"Her mouth is about as fast as her ink."

A lightning bolt snaps at one of the Big Red Cock's propeller engines. The engine starts to flame. "Hold that thought, ye. I be havin' engine troubles."

A jet ski crashes through the side of the pilot house window forcing Orion to dive out of the way. The pirate unsheathes a machete announcing, "Oy!"

"You didn't miss the class on random shark attacks did ya?" Orion whips out a road flare from his cargo pocket. He rips off the cap as the magnesium ignites to a hot, bright red.

Rooke is about to tackle her weapon when water washes over it. She sees a shark swimming towards her. The water rises above her knees with the tilting of the landing craft. Rooke leaps out of the way leaving her BAR. The Land Rover smashes up against the Deuce. She makes a run for the Rover as the shark fin comes up quickly behind her. Suddenly, bullets snap behind her chasing off the shark and giving her time to take cover in the Rover.

Teach fires one shot after another as the shark swims towards the on-coming jet skiing pirates. Machine-gun bullets pelt around his armored turret as he takes cover. He clicks the cargo strap to the side of his belt loop.

Back in the pilot house the pirate swings the machete at Orion, but Orion catches his wrist and shoves the blazing flare into the pirate's mouth and confiscates his machete. "You have a purdy mouth, boy." The landing craft suddenly crunches against a hard wave splashing over the ramp sending both Orion and the pirate crashing through the pilot house window into the cargo bay.

Orion struggles to his feet realizing the water is now waste-deep all around. He catches a glimpse of a shark tail flopping a few feet away in red water. He watches the jaws of the shark munching on the pirate with the flaming mouth. The flare projects the pirate's silhouette just as he slides down into the belly.

"Bon a' petite," Orion says and quickly kisses his fingers like a chef.

He sees Rooke beating against the windshield of the Rover as it rolls back towards the ramp. Two pirates break for her while one makes for Orion. Orion fights his way to a flipped over jet ski. He hops on, starting it up and heads straight for the on-coming pirate. Orion points the machete at the pirate like he's about to joust. Orion shouts, "Tallyho!" The pirate grins while pulling out a Micro UZI. The two pass each other as Orion lunges the machete deep into the pirate's jet ski, breaking the fuel line. Gas-o-line sprays out of a hose, but the pirate doesn't notice. He makes a u-turn and comes back at Orion who's already heading for Rooke and the Rover.

One pirate is on the hood with an ax and the other busting the glass in the back. Orion makes way—full steam ahead. He approaches leaping off the jet ski tackling the pirate on the hood. The Rover rolls back toward the front of the landing craft while Orion and the ax pirate wrestle on the hood.

The water sloshes through the Rover. Rooke forces the ignition out of its socket just as the pirate makes his way through the bed.

Teach watches the action helplessly from his turret. He sees the UZI pirate bee-lining for the Rover while the shark continues to gnaw on the mouth-flare pirate as the flare brushes against a trail of gas-o-line. A flame follows the UZI pirate's jet ski trail setting him ablaze. The pirate shrieks like a girl and flails his arms while depressing the trigger on the UZI.

Rooke brushes the two ignition wires together as the Rover starts, but UZI fire rips through the windshield forcing her to take cover. Orion and the ax pirate trade blows oblivious to the UZI chatter.

The UZI pirate's jet ski explodes making the gunfire cease.

Still taking cover, Rooke presses the accelerator with her hand making the Rover move. The pirate yanks Rooke back by the hair exposing her throat while he unsheathes his SEAL pup knife. But a bullet zips into his forehead. He stares dead in amazement for a second while his forehead streams blood across the dashboard.

Orion manages to score a lucky punch across the ax pirate's face. A ribbon of gunfire bubbles across the pirate's chest. Orion and Rooke exchange a quick smile, "Alright, Teach!" But then Orion takes a hit in the shoulder as the windshield shatters.

Teach watches the UZI gunfire ricocheting all over the cargo bay like deadly, little pin balls. "Blimey." He's makes a run for the pilot house, but the cargo strap yanks him back down just as a set of UZI fire snaps in his path. "My lucky strap."

Rooke pulls Orion into the Rover as the bullets snap all around. "Take cover in the bed!" Orion shouts. Orion and Rooke dive into the back of the vehicle while bullets continue to pelt against everything. Orion rolls Rooke to her back to try and protect her, but a gallon of water washes over her face. He takes another bullet to the ass. He lets out a growl. "I got bit in the ass!"

As the ricocheting stops, Teach sprints to the pilot house to regain control of the wheel, but notices another engine on the Big Red Cock blows out. The plane begins to lose altitude and lowers into the cargo hold. Just as Teach steps behind the wheel, he watches a huge wave coming right at them giving them nowhere to turn. He just stands there staring into the mouth of oblivion. "Dear me."

***

A gentle splash of water brushes against Teach's face. He wakes up to a beam of sunlight cascading across his face. He shoots up looking around realizing he's on the floor of the pilot house.

Rooke wakes up noticing Orion is spooning her with his hand tightly cupping her breast. She tries to break free without waking him, but he's got a tight grip on her. Then a pirate with a bullet hole through his forehead floats by startling her.

Orion groggily wakes up slightly grinning. "Man, oh, man did I have this wicked dream last night."

Rooke holds her shirt closed with her fist making up for a couple lost buttons. "That wasn't a dream. We were attacked by pirates."

"No, honeycomb." Orion grins. "The dream I had about you and me. I had no idea you could do such things." She punches him in the bad shoulder making him wince. I gotta remember that."

She just sighs and steps on to the hood of the Rover. It's a bright, quiet and sunny day on the sea. She looks around the cargo hold that's still got a good couple of feet of red water. She hears Teach's voice shouting, "Rooke, you're okay!"

"Yeah." She says exhaustedly. "You?"

"I'm just fine." He points toward the front of the landing craft. "Look!"

Rooke shields the sun from her eyes while standing on her tip-toes to look over the landing ramp. She sees the island in the distance. She takes a deep and staggered breath while smiling. "Captain Orion, we're here."

Orion makes his way on to the hood while holding his shoulder. "I guess that's the bad news." He notices a black stream of smoke coming from somewhere deep in the island. "Any landing you can die from will be just fine with me, Shanghai Mars."

"Bad news? That's great news!"

"Out here, honeycomb, there's only bad news and worse news." Orion looks up at Teach. "How are ya, professor?"

"Peachy, captain. You?"

Orion notices Rooke looking at his morning wood. He winks, "You wanna hear the bad news or the worse news first?" Rooke feigns a smile.

Orion's Bitch casually cruises through the lagoon of Island Macabre. Leaning over the front of the landing ramp, Rooke is captivated by the 360-degree postcard perfect tropical paradise. She snaps a shot on her digital camera.

Orion and Teach stare out the busted out windows of the pilot house.

"I'm curious, captain. If you don't believe in ghosts why did we have to get tattoos?" Teach asks.

"I don't believe in ghosts. I'm just a little superstitious. Superstition goes a long way when sailing these here seas."

"Do you know what the glyph means?"

"Hit me."

"It means sacrifice."

"Sacrifice what?"

"At the turn of the Twentieth Century the modern Japanese government abolished feudalism affecting the samurai social status and power. The government tried and failed to integrate many of the samurai into the modern world. The Japanese government foresaw a war coming. The government sent as many of the best of the samurai clans to this island to save local peasants from a force of evil. But there were no local peasants. The ships turned around and left them to die."

"That's fucked up, professor. What happened to the other samurai guys? The ones in Japan?"

"They rebelled in what was called the Kagoshima Revolt. The old and new worlds clashed. The modern world won." Teach points to Orion's tattoo. "They were willing to throw down arms and their petty disagreements to save someone. That is the symbol of sacrifice. That is what protects you from the Bushido Breath."

"Cute little bedtime story, professor."

"I'm rather fond of it myself."

Orion, Teach and Rooke watch the ramp on Orion's Bitch lower as the water swills out with a couple of half-eaten pirates and two bloated sharks and five jet skis. Orion picks up the BAR and a 9MM Heckler. Orion says, "Bonus gun."

"At least," Teach says while holding his nose, "we can consume the sharks for sustenance."

"Well," Orion sneers, "I'll let you cut 'em open and you can watch a couple of partially digested human beings spill out of their stomachs."

Rooke asks, "Who were those guys?"

"Shanghai Mars and his sky pirates." Orion answers. "My take is that they know why you're here and they wanna piece of it. Actually, they'll take all of it."

Orion starts up the landing craft as the fuel needle trembles near empty. "Shit." Orion snaps off the motor and makes his way down to the cargo hold where both Rooke and Teach study the map. "Okay, I was wrong. There's bad news, worse news and shit news."

"What's the sh—news?" Teach asks nervously.

"We don't have enough fuel to make it back to civilization."

Rooke asks, "Can you siphon the gas from the jet skis and the truck?"

"Different fuel types and not enough. And the Deuce is waterlogged."

"What's the worse news?" Teach asks.

"We're gonna have to trek into the island to get some."

"That's great news!" Teach says happily. "An island like this is burgeoning with natural methane gas. I must say that's brilliant, captain."

"This boat runs on diesel, professor." Teach's grin droops. "But I know where we can get some."

"What's the bad news?" Rooke asks.

"Shanghai Mars' plane crashed down somewhere in the middle of the island."

"Will we be bartering for his fuel?" Teach asks.

"No, he doesn't barter if there's nothin' in it for him."

Teach stares at him inquisitively, "We're going to pilfer from Shanghai Mars?"

"If we can find that there treasure before him, we might be able to trade him for some fuel."

Rooke winces, "But he'll kill us."

"Yeah," Orion rubs his chin. "I'm workin' on that part."

Orion snaps the ignition wires on the Rover starting up the motor. "Alright, Temba! They don't make 'em like that anymore do they!" Orion grins at Rooke. "Where'd you learn how to hotwire a rig, honeycomb?"

"The Internet."

"The what?"

Rooke turns to Teach smiling in the backseat, Teach says, "Surely, you've heard of the Internet, captain."

"Inter-whatever." Orion picks up a cassette tape and slaps it in the cassette player as an old Rancid song comes on. "You guys like music?" Orion puts the Rover in motion heading for a valley of kunai grass. "Whatever you do, guys, don't stick your hands out of the Rover while driving through Kunai Valley. Take your head and hands right off."

The Rover makes its way through the kunai valley leaving a beaten trail. Rancid's punk-ska music drones throughout the dead island as they drive into the night.

***

It's a full moon of lunatic-beckoning proportions. The Rover is parked at the mouth of a ravine full of 13-foot or greater rock columns that fade into a heavy fog bank. Orion empties a fuel canister into the Rover while Rooke and Teach study the map on Rooke's laptop.

Something in the brush gets Orion's attention. He takes a big whiff.

Rooke rearranges the jigsaw map around on her laptop. "See," Rooke starts, "if I put this piece here, it forms this valley."

"How can you be sure that it's this valley and not another on the other side of the island?"

"We can ask the captain."

Orion steps back into the Rover. "Maybe you shouldn't ask the captain because he wasn't on a sight-seeing tour and his memory is a little fuzzy. But if you ask real nice, he might take you through Ghost Ravine."

Rooke asks, "Ghost ravine?"

"That's what I call this place."

He turns to both of them, "Okay, I want you two to keep your eyes and ears open. We watch our backs more so than ever around here. I think I caught a whiff of Old Spice and Kwell shampoo. That's Shanghai Mars' brand."

"Kwell?" Teach asks. "Isn't that scabies medication?"

The Rover slowly cruises through the ravine that's thick with fog. Rooke has her video camera rolling and gets nothing but fog.

Teach hovers over her shoulder, "Are you capturing anything?"

Rooke answers, "Not a thing." She looks at Orion who's concentrating hard on the road he can't see. "Why do you call this place Ghost Ravine?"

"Last time I was through this place I was on foot. It was creepy because you could hear muffled screams and whispers. The echo bounces all over the ravine walls so much that you can't tell where it's coming from."

Suddenly, a frog plummets on the hood of the Rover. It squirms to its feet then lunges off into the fog. Teach is spooked and whips his head around. Rooke takes a huge gulp. Orion tries to comfort them, "The storm does that sometimes. Don't touch 'em unless you think it'll listen to your problems." Orion's eyes dart from side to side.

"Problems?" Rooke asks.

"Yeah, when you say, 'Ouch, I think I'm dying.'"

They hear a hissing sound.

Teach, "Was that a radio squelch? Shanghai Mars?"

Orion gulps, "Yeah. Uh… radio squelch. Probably just Shanghai Mars and his fellas. Just wantin' us to know they're okay and not to worry."

Teach relaxes, but Rooke sees Orion shaking his head. They hear two more frogs beating on the roof.

"Fuck it." Orion shifts the Rover into reverse, "I'm not killin' us all for a couple of frogs." But he sees tens of motorcycle headlights coming up from behind. He can hear a group of Shanghai Mars' pirates singing Friggin' in the Riggin'.

Teach taps his toes while humming.

Rooke peeks out with her camera. She points it straight up to a faint clearing in the fog. She can see some of the moon shining through.

Teach starts singing the song as the pirates approach, but he's singing Good Ship Venus, "The captain's wife was Charlotte / Born and bred a harlot / Her thighs at night were lily white / By morning they were scarlet." He shivers while grinnin' evilly, "This song is so terrifically bawdy. We used to sing this at the Molesworth Fencing Academy."

"Glad you like it, professor. Maybe you can join their chantey chorus."

Rooke sees the silhouette of a long, giant tube worm breaking out of one of the rock columns as it hisses and spits out frogs… "Shit."

Teach continues to sing, "Her plaintive squeals announced that eels / Had found her sexual quarter."

And she sees another tube worm break through, "Shit!"

"The ship's dog's name was Rover / We turned that poor thing over…"

And another, "Oh, shit!"

To be continued…

© 2007, Philip Davetas


This is a little something you won't get on Scott's blog. An appendix. Sure you can read the story on his site, but this is the only thing that seperates the two.


Appendix

Landing Craft, Mechanized
There were several different kinds of these built for the World War II amphibous assaults on the Pacific and Eurpoean theaters. This is what Orion pilots.


C-130 with Counter-measure Flares
A huge cargo craft for transporting soldiers, vehicles, etc. It's able to take off on short or non-existant runways. This is what Shanghai Mars' Big Red Cock would look like... only redder. The counter-measure flares you see are designed to deter sensor-based weapons from blowing you up. But in Episode 1 they're used to illuminate Orion's Bitch during an attack at sea during a hideous storm.


Land Rover Defender
In Island Macabre the Rover is often referred to as Temba because of whom Orion bought the vehicle from. This becomes the second home to the castaways.


BAR (Browning Automatic Rifle)
A 20-round automatic rifle designed for battle in World War I, but used heavily through World War II.


M1 Garand
The standard rifle introduced for the US fighting men of World War II.


9MM Heckler & Kotch MP5
15/30-round submachine guns made famous in flicks like Die Hard and Lethal Weapon.
Micro-UZI
32-round Micro UZI. The baby of the UZI family.


Navy SEAL Pup Knife
This particular knife (as well as many of the vehicles) was thrown into to imply that a lot of Shanghai Mars' sky pirates are ex-military.


Deuce and a 1/2
Usually, a crappy truck that doesn't move very fast, but excellent for tranporting nitroglycerine over rickety bridges. Unfortunately, it doesn't really have a use in the rest of the story. Initially, it seemed logical that Orion would have a few trucks like this if he was piloting a landing craft. He's a smuggler-for-hire so he'd have this stuff, but for one reason or another the Deuce isn't mentioned again. I'm sure in a motion picture, this Deuce would be thrown out of the production.



Jet Ski
This is how Shanghai Mars' sky pirates raid ships and whatnots.


Tropical Paradise
Island Macabre itself is supposed to be a beautiful, little island that just so happens to turn treasure-hunting visitors into greedy, blood-thirsty mutants.


Cassette Tape
The cassette tape is around to not-so-subtely imply that Orion is still a little behind the times. He spends most of his time smuggling shit from island to island and fighting off pirates, so he just hasn't caught up with the rest of us.

ISLAND MACABRE: Episode 1 - "Orion's Belt"

I edited some of this because The Battle Boy blog moved and is now, The Daily Shadow.

So, a friend, Scott Amundson, asks me to write up a serial for his blog, The Daily Shadow, my contribuation is a 7-part serial called Island Macabre as you'll read below. It's basically a treasure hunt story with pirates, undead samurai warriors and lots of that there carnage. This was originally a script idea I was working on several years back, but couldn't figure out how to make it into something mainstream that could be produced for a modest budget. So, now it exists as this on-line serial.

Scott's lookin' for submissions. For inquiries and such contact him at: scottEA@Gmail.com

Episode 1: Orion's Belt

Rooke enters the Dum Dum Club with her hair rolled up into a tight bun. She balances a heavy rucksack on her shoulder. If she has a drop-dead knock-out body, no one would guess it. She squeezes past a couple of drunken sailors bee-lining for the bar—a perfect place to start.

The Dum Dum Club is a train-wreck of a joint that jostles on a decaying boardwalk. Under her feet the rickety floorboards start to give way. The must is so thick you can stab it with a fork. The characters that decorate the place are drunken and burnt out old sailors now living on the fraying fringes of society. The Dum Dum Club is the last and final check-point before venturing out into no-man's-land.

Rooke drops her rucksack at the foot of the bar while getting the bartender's attention. She looks over both of her shoulders suspecting she's getting unwanted attention.

The bartender arrives wiping down his grimy hands, "Can I get ya?"

She answers, "A beer. Any kind." She gulps as she leans over the bar. "Say, do you know where I can charter a boat?"

"This's about as far out as you can go. There's nothin' else out there." He looks at her frustrated expression while placing a glass of beer in front of her, he thumbs to a corridor, "There's a bulletin board by the pay phone as you're walking to the restroom. Check that out. Plenty of old salt dogs on the wall."

Rooke makes her way to the corridor and recognizes someone studying the bulletin board. She notices that he's ripping the flyers and business cards and hiding them in his backpack.

"I didn't think you'd actually get out from behind your desk, Teach."

Teach is flustered, "I pretty much gave everyone A's."

"So, you can enjoy your Spring Break?"

"Yes. I wanted to be there when some of these girls go wild." Teach feigns a snorting giggle. "A's all around." He notices her beer. "Is that a beer? Are you drinking beer?"

She brushes him off, "You're not going to that island?" She stares at him inquisitively making him feel uncomfortable.

"I'm going to give it a go, as soon as I find someone that will venture out there." Teach looks over his shoulder making sure no one's listening. "I've flirted with paying double and triple the amounts, but no one will go out there."

"Well, isn't it a haunted island? No one has ever returned."

"Oh no, no, no. That's not true at all." He leans in close. "These old salt dogs talk of a man that returned from the island. He barely made it out by the—"Teach steps back then looks around. "What are you doing here?" She's clearly agitated, but Teach begins to walk away. She grabs him by the arm.

"We can help each other," she says while pulling out a slip of laminated paper. "This is a rubbing of the jigsaw map I was telling you about."

"The rubbing is no good unless you have the other side."

"I have the other side." Teach shifts his eyes around while thinking. Rooke continues, "I've scanned the map and quartered it into sections on my laptop. I've been rearranging the pieces to see how they fit and I think I've found the pattern. The map changes correlate to the check points which dictates a different view."

"But you have to find the check points. How do you know what to change it to? You don't speak the language."

Rooke holds up a book on the basics of the Japanese language.

Teach looks perplexed. "That book won't help you. It's written in an ancient dialect. You won't know what changes to make on the map."

"I figured it would be a risk, but with you and me looking, we would have a better chance."

"I was running the risk of having to split the treasure with the captain. Now, I will have to split it three ways."

Rooke shrugs, but grins, "What treasure? You're not on an archeological dig?"

Teach looks around like he let a secret loose, "Finding that temple is just as if you'd found a treasure. We'd be rich beyond our comprehension."

Teach quickly changes the subject to get her off guard. "Why do you want to go out there?"

Rooke is startled for a minute. How dare he attempt to turn it around! "I'm investigating and documenting the suspected paranormal activities of the island."

Teach grabs her beer and takes a few swallows. "You may want to talk to Captain Orion. He's the only one to have survived this long after his return. In 1945 a Japanese submarine was torpedoed and 9 sailors found refuge on that island. They managed to salvage a radio and call for help. When help finally arrived, the only one that survived had been driven mad. Homicidal mad. He kept screaming out the phrase, roughly translated, 'Bushido's Breath!' 'Bushido's Breath!' He swam out to meet the rescue vessel, slaughtered all the men on board and eventually himself."

"If everyone died," Rooke says skeptically, "then how do they know all this?"

"It was all documented in the captain's log. The rescue vessel was sent back on its way as a warning to all others not to trek these seas." Teach takes another couple of swallows and hands the beer back to her. "There was another incident in 1956 when the United States was testing atomic weapons—"

Rooke stares at Teach's bugged out eyes. "Okay, I get your point. You can stop with the bedtime stories because I think you're spooking yourself."

"The sailors call it… the Island…" he takes a moment to tilt his head toward her while bugging out his eyes and whispers hard, "…Macabre."

She scoffs, "Your eyes are about to dry out, Teach."

"I jest you not. That's what they call it."

Rooke's interested, "But what about this lone survivor character?"

Orion stumbles out of the men's room slamming against the pay phone. He winks at Rooke and then belches an, "Excuse me" as the receiver swings from the cord. Orion's a hulk of a man and drunk off his ass. "Ahoy, Teach." He squints at Rooke's beer, "You gonna finish that, honeycomb?"

Teach points to Rooke, "Rooke, meet Captain Orion. The lone survivor of the Island Macabre."

"I've done cooler things than survive some lame island on the Rotten Sea."

Rooke clears her throat, "And what might that be, Captain Orion?"

"A pair of triplets in the Philippines." He lets out a guffaw and chugs the beer.

"Twin triplets?" Teach asks.

"One of them ODed half way through the sex carnage and we didn't find out till morning. We thought he just passed out." Orion scratches his head, then holds up the empty glass toasting, "To Josefina!"

"And what was cool about that?" Rooke asks.

"I finally had an excuse to leave the Philippines." Orion staggers into the thick of the crowd.

"That's your hero, Teach?"

"He's not my hero. He's the only one that will take us there." Teach goes after him.

Orion staggers across the rickety pier towards his landing craft, Orion's Bitch. It's an old World War II amphibious assault landing craft with a naked mermaid bound and gagged in S&M gear painted along its hull.

Rooke squints at the mermaid, "Uh… is that your boat, Captain?"

"Oh, yeah," Orion turns around stone drunk as Rooke walks right into him, "Sorry about the mermaid, honeycomb."

She's a little jittery. "That's fine. No need—"

"She needs a little touching up. You can't see the nipple anymore. I mean, that's the money part. Right, Teach?"

Teach clears his throat, "Oh, I, uh… she's quite a lovely, young lass."

Orion turns back to the boat, "Lovely alright. A lovely pain in the ass. Bitch broke my fuckin' heart."

"Say, are these one of the Higgins boats that stormed Normandy?" Teach asks.

"Hell no. I wouldn't want one of those pieces of shit. Those things were shot to shit. This here hunk of beauty stormed Iwo Jima."

"Were you in the Marines, Captain?" Teach says.

"Army."

Orion, Rooke and Teach walk up the landing craft's ramp. There's an old sand-colored Deuce and half and a 1990 Land Rover Defender. "Don't fuck with the Rover. It's a classic. Best in the world. They don't make 'em like that anymore."

"Don't they?" Rooke studies its shabby condition.

"Actually, I think old Temba screwed me on it. Every time I see the guy he's always grinning that checker-tooth grin of his. But one of these days I'd like to drive by his little hut and show him how great it runs." Orion punches the Rover as the rearview mirror falls off. Orion shakes it off. "Alright, I hate to sound like a shore whore, but I gotta get paid up front."

Teach reaches into his backpack, "Oh, of course." Teach counts out a series of hundred dollar bills. "How's ten thousand?"

Orion stands there for a second. "Sounds great, but I think somethin's wrong with my fuckin' ears." He looks at the money again, "No. I'm dreaming because I see 10 grand in your hand." Orion shrugs. "Fuck it. Who am I gonna argue, uh?"

"Is it too much?" Rooke asks. "Have we insulted you?"

"Fuck no!" Orion snatches the money and stuffs it into his cargo pocket. "Just a lot of money for some romantic midnight island hopping. Happy honeymoon."

Rooke and Teach stare at each other and say in unison, "Wait!"

Rooke flusters, "We're not together."

Teach reassures, "We don't want to island hop. We want to go to Island Macabre."

There is a long dead silence while Orion stares at him hard. Then he turns to Rooke who says, "We're not together… romantically."

orion="" hands="" teach="" back="" his="" m.."" i="" m="" takin="" a="" tenner="" for="" my="" troubles.="" size="3"> I think you owe me a drink or two after this little titty-tease." Orion begins to shuffle them down the ramp. "Scoot, scoot, scoot."

Teach looks at him with sorrowful eyes, "But you're our last hope."

"Don't grease me with those puppy dog eyes. It'll be more convincing coming from her."

"Please," Rooke begins, "We need to get on that island."

"There's nothing for you there. I fuckin' assure you. I motherfuckin' guarantee you that."

Teach hesitates, "There's valuable archeological evidence there."

"That island is protected by the elements."

"We know it's haunted." Rooke says.

"Haunted? You obviously don't know what you're talking about. But by fuck if that place will kill you. It's got insects that'll lay eggs under your skin and hatch in your brain. Storm patterns that rain poisonous frogs. Unstable geography that occasionally shifts making maps useless."

Rooke says, "You're the last and only known survivor of that island."

"Not really if I go back there and get my stupid ass killed."

Teach interjects, "There's a treasure."

Orion snickers, "There's no treasure, professor. Trust me on that." Orion starts to shuffle them off the boat. "You don't know what's on that island and you don't wanna know."

Teach gets Orion's attention saying, "I can tell you why the Bushido's Breath didn't take you."

"Just because you looked up a couple words doesn't mean you know—"

"You have a tattoo." Orion sneers as Teach continues, "On your chest. Over your heart. It's the only way you can survive the Bushido's Breath. It's protecting you until the warrior soul returns to the temple. I can help you find some of the answers you've been asking yourself."

Orion stands there mulling it over. "You in on this too, honeycomb?"

A guilty grimace cracks across her face, "Yes. But I'm looking for evidence of paranormal activity."

Orion sighs while shaking his head. He sucks on his lip while looking at Teach's sorrowful puppy dog eyes. "Can you make that face, honeycomb?"

Rooke tries to make that puppy dog look, but it's just a malformed grimace.

Orion shakes his head, "Never mind. Looks like you got Montezuma's Revenge. The professor's better at it anyway." He sighs again, "I hate to be greedy, Teach, but you think you can muster up another 5K?"

"Of course."

"15K, a case of scotch and all your educated answers?"

"My good man, that's an accord."

Orion scratches his head, "You two are gonna need tats."

***

Orion's Bitch cuts through a barrage of choppy waves as a wicked bolt of lightning streaks across the black sky. The Rover smashes up against the landing ramp as a heavy wave coughs up over the hull. The Deuce is chained to the floor, but still gets tossed around.

In the pilot house, Orion struggles with the wheel while Teach and Rooke hold on tight. Rooke shouts over the storm, "Is it always this rough?"

Orion answers, "We're on a collision course for an island of death, honeycomb. I don't think it's rolling out the tea party welcome wagon."

"Why do you keep calling me honeycomb?"

"Your hair's all wound up tight like a little honeycomb."

A streak of lightning scratches up against the window making Teach and Rooke jump.

"Oh shit that was close!" Orion turns the wheel again as a gust of white water sprays over the ship flooding the cargo bay with a few feet of water. A couple of sharks smack up against the pilot house window.

Teach is startled, "Oh dear me!"

Orion forces the wheel to the side. "Yeah, this storm has a nasty habit of pickin' things up and throwin' 'em at ya."

Teach tries to steady himself while looking at a bandage on his chest. He turns to Rooke's bandaged chest seeing part of her breast bounce, "Uh, do you suspect they will heal nice and proper?" Rooke's boob jostles as Teach's eyes bug.

Orion powers up the motor as they climb a wave. "Just don't rub it. You'll tear off the skin and some of the design."

Teach notices the radar blipping. "What's that?"

Orion turns to the radar. "Shit! Shit, shit, shit!"

"You should've went before we left." Rooke says.

"Hold on to that sense of humor, honeycomb."

Rooke asks, "What is it?"

"There be pirates," he answers.

A red Hercules C-130 dubbed the Big Red Cock breaks out of the black sky with a twin strip of lightning bolts following it. The nose art reveals a red rooster with boxing gloves. The aft ramp lowers as the Big Red Cock buzzes the pilot house. Several counter-measure flares shoot out across Orion's Bitch illuminating it. Two single-manned jet skies slide off the ramp and splash down into the water on both sides of Orion's Bitch.

The radio squelches as a raspy voice cracks, "Avast, ye motherfuckin' hornswaggle!"

Orion picks up the radio while turning the wheel, "Shiver me timbers. If it ain't Shanghai Mars. How're you this fine evening? Never thought I'd see you and your scurvy fucks this side of Hell." Orion sees the two jet skis streaming along side the hull. A wave pushes one of the jet-skiing pirates into the landing craft's cargo bay. "I see your boy, Sugartooth, just invaded my boat."

"Aye, Sugartooth is an ambitious sort," says Shanghai Mars. "He be the master of the machete. I taught him well."

With a machete blade between his teeth, Sugartooth grins evilly while his jet ski putters toward the pilot house, but then the two sharks jump up, drag him into the water and pull him apart.

"Guess he missed a class," Orion says.

More jet-skiing pirates plummet out of the Big Red Cock cruising along side Orion's Bitch. Orion turns to Teach and Rooke, "Go in that cabinet behind me and collect some firearms. We're in for a fight."

To be continued…

© 2007, Philip Davetas



Appendix


Orion's Bitch




The Big Red Cock

THE X-RAY EYE SOCIETY and Other Smaller Updates

THE X-RAY EYE SOCIETY

The new script is nearing completion. It's both unlike anything I've written and yet, it's kinda typical. The unusual part of this story is that it's a fun-for-the-whole-family kinda flick. Hard to say if it's a family flick, but it's certainly not a kid's flick. The kids range from 7-12 and the younger the kids the more evil they are--it's part of the plot.

Without getting into too much of the plot, the story's about a group of resourceful kids who solve mysteries and one day they come up against something huge. My attempt with this story was not to make something original, but to use something you've seen before and spin it into something unique. Where a lot of kid/family movies fail for me is when they purposely go out to make the adults dumber and goofier than they would really be. I think that's one of the failures of Holes. While I do enjoy the movie, I coulda done without some of the cartoony adult performances. I tried to place everyone on an equal intellectual playing field.

Not only was this story designed as a mass appeal kinda thing, but also to bring back some creepiness. There's something about younger kids involved with the supernatural that adds a little more urgency. Whereas before I had written about kick-ass heroes that feared nothing but failure. Here, their friends and other kids' lives are at stake.

Oh, and before anybody asks, "No, it wasn't hard to keep the profanity outta the script."

Oh, here's one of the character designs: Luther Hoodwinkle.

You all may or may not know, but there's an X-ray Eye Society MySpace page. Not much is on it, but there's a few games, tunes, toys and shit. I'll be fixing it up little by little.

In Other News...

Never heard back from Limp Bizkit or that other dude. So, Feeding Frenzy is still on the shelf.

I'm outta the running for the 2006 Fade In Awards, but hey, I sure as shit got farther than I ever thought I would.

The Gibbon project is comin' along a bit slow. A lot of The Gibbon was initially designed to be black and white, but the color just makes it look like I Ted Turnered Casablanca. So, I'm having to re-do some of the art to make it more color-friendly instead of just black and a few flecks of color.

Oh, did a new design for that James Gunn character. You can score some of this stuff and more at the JGAS Store. All proceeds go to Rover Rescue and James will match every dollar. At least that's what he said.

Anyway, later, folks. I'm hungry.

13 Rock Videos for April Fools!

Lately, it seems I've been re-visting the likes of The Vandals which in turn reminded me of several other bits of music and wondering where the fuck did it go? So, out of dumb luck I found these videos... in no particular order.

Dropkick Murphys "Amazing Grace"
The Dropkicks is one of those bands I think just gets better and better. When they first started, I wasn't all that into them. But now they're one of my faves. They seem to always work "Amazing Grace" into their concerts, but they always do it cool.


Randy "Razorblade"
I've heard some of Randy's work on several punk samplers, but I think it was Epitaph Records' "Punk-o-rama Volume 9" sampler that came with a DVD that had several videos including their "X-ray Eyes". But "Razorblade" is just as good a song as it is a video.


Bouncing Souls "Kids and Heroes"
Always loved Souls when they were with BYO all the way up to the Epitaph years. They've done some harder music, but I dig this one for my 13 vidz. They also have a double-disk DVD that chronicles their humble beginnings and shit like that.


The Dwarves "FEFU"
Ah, the notorious Dwarves. Rumored to have been dropped by a record company by faking a band member's death as a pratical joke. I'll let this video do the speakin' for them.


Sick of it All "Step Down"
Learn to be punk rock as preached by Sick of it All. Not my favorite band, but the video's great.


Rancid "Ruby Soho"
Rancid's always done some strange stuff. They seem to ebb and flow between punk and ska and then off into other directions. But I kinda dig this one.


Tiger Army "Cupid's Victim"
Not the biggest Tiger Army fan. I think mainly because I haven't heard enough of them and from what I have, it's give or take. But this video's fuckin' great.


The Vandals "My Girlfriend's Dead"
There's two versions of this video at Kungfurecords.com. One with the band and this animated version. Love both versions, but this one pinches it.


HorrorPops "Miss Take"
They're from Denmark and on MySpace if you wanna track 'em down. This video is also on the "Punk-o-rama Volume 9" sampler with Randy.


The Lillingtons "Robots in My Mind" "Final Transmission" "Phantom Maggot" "Wait it Out".
Not sure where this string of tunes and video comes from, but it's fuckin' Lillingtons. One of my favorite bands. The image quality is shit, but you can still hear the music which is more than I can say for other bands.


NOFX "Franco Unamerican"
NOFX has always been one of those bands that's been around, but I think their success is really what they did for other bands at Fat Wreck Chords. I can't say they're great musicians, but by sheer volume alone, there's some really great tunes in their career.


Strung Out "Analog"
Always loved Strung Out since I heard "Wrong Side of the Tracks" on "Punk Bites Volume 1". I think as a band, they've gotten better.


Guitar Wolf "Wild Zero" (Trailer)
The best representation of rock 'n' roll jet-band, Guitar Wolf, is this trailer for one of my favorite flicks, "Wild Zero".

13 Really Fucked Up Pictures of Me!

Okay, let's work our way down. Let's start with some good pix so you can compare.

Okay, here's a good one.

This is me in my awesome green winter jacket sportin' a jigga shirt underneath.

"I'm ready for my blowjob, Mr. Gunn."

Sometimes I don't know how the girlfriend person puts up with my breath. That's like coffee, maybe a candy bar and a skipped day of toothbrushing. Can you believe I don't have any cavities?

This was on the floor of the doctor's office. I did my civic duty and wiped my ass with it.

Yeah, I look cool. The scenary's cool. But that hair is NOT cool.

Yup, this is a real shock to the system.

Don't pay attention to my jammies. Check out that awesome Solarquest and National Geographic planetarium [on the table] I scored for 6 bucks!

I usually dream about my pants falling off.

I guess my pants dream about me falling off.

Fuck. This looks like a faked sex scandal. That isn't me. That's Photoshopped.

That's not me either.

Damn. Looks like I went half a round with Sylvester Stallone.

Here's two bonus pix. This is a house that burnt down a block away. We were comin' back from the Waterfront. Of course if we never woulda went, this never woulda happened.

Bonus Recs

While I'm here I might as well rec some books I've been reading or have read... or will read.

The Toy Collector
James Gunn's ode to childhood addictions, his penis and a vodka bottle.


Dark City: The Lost World of Film Noir
A collection of not just the popular film noir, but also some of the more underground ones.


The Action Hero's Handbook
Every action hero has to start somehwere. Why not with this?

The Samurai: The Philosophy of Victory
Actually, I haven't read this yet. It's still on the shelf, but the pictures look cool.




Astronomy: The Definitive Guide to the Universe
Okay, ya got me. That's not what the above says. But just pretend it's got a picture of the Moon on it and that it's written by some dude named Duncan John. Yeah, I got this in the bargain area of B&N, but it's still cool and fact-based. It still follows the epic adventures of action heroes, Claudius Ptolemy, Johannes Kepler, Galileo Galilei, Sir Isacc Newton for a paragraph or two as they rescue naked space wenches throughtout the galaxies in a time machine piloted by Stephen J. Hawking.

Anyway, have a great read, cadets. Don't be a good cadet, be a great cadet!

13 Things that Need to Be on DVD!

Okay, The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. finally made it to DVD, the Phantasm films are finally here, the country-singin' Sly Stallone epic Rhinstone is out, the Sleestacks of Land of the Lost finally got its DVD due, so what's left? How about these 13 jewels? Why 13? Because it's more than 10 and less than 15.


1. Hardware (1990) (aka M.A.R.K. 13)


Richard Stanley's unsung sci-fi gore fest about a killer machine stalking and slaughtering tentants in an apartment complex. This stars Dylan McDermott as a post-apocalyptic shock troop on leave to bang his woman a little. Iggy Pop lends his voice as the robotic DJ, Angry Bob. You can even hear his "Cold Metal" playing on the radio at one point. William Hootkins from Star Wars (Red 6 aka Porkins) and Munson from Flash Gordon plays a masturbating voyuer who watches Stacey Travis, the naked and very tortured artist, paint the Mark 13 along with Ministry music playing in the background.



2. Bugsy Malone (Region 2) (1976)



This Depression Era sing and dance gangster epic stars a very short Scott Baio and a very tall Jodie Foster duped in a world run wild by children gunning each other down with the "splurge gun"--an automatic cream pie slinging weapon. And Michael Jackson plays the part of young Razmataz. I wonder if that's what he says when he's... fuck it. Music by Paul (Phantom of the Paradise) Williams.



3. Electric Dreams (1984)



Twin Peaks alum Lenny Von Dohlen, Virginia Madsen and Bud (Harold & Maude) Cort star in a love triangle between an arcitecht, a cellist and a computer named Edgar. Directed by Steven (Coneheads) Barron.



4. Monster Squad (1987)



Shane Black wrote his little story about kids discovering Dr. Van Helsing's diary revealing Dracula's return and reanimates the classic Universal monsters. Not to be confused with the Fred Savage flick, Little Monsters which is already on DVD. Directed by Fred (RoboCop 3) Dekker.



5. Sugar Hill (1974)



Not to be confused with the Wesley Snipes blaxploitation picture, but the other blaxploitation movie about a big, bad mama with an attitude Diana "Sugar" Hill and her zombie hitmen righting that which was once fucked. Now, see, I haven't actually seen this, but I NEED to see this. It sounds like a classic. Right up there with Dead Heat. Apparently, it's available only in Region 2. Directed by the producer of many a Police Academy films.



6. Howard the Duck (1986)



Not so sure about this one. This looks like one of those Amazon bootlegs. But this is the heartwarming true story of a duck from another planet that comes to save us from evil mutant bugs in Ohio. Written and directed by Indiana Jones alum, Williard Huyck. The film damn near destroyed his career, but at least George Lucas is rich.



7. High Road to China (Region 2) (1983)



Jilted out of Lucas' first choice to play Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark because of his contract with Magnum PI, Tom Selleck attempted to make a career as a high-flying, drunken fighter ace in High Road to China. There were a lot of these kinds of Indy flicks at the time like The Further Adventures of Tennessee Buck, Jake Speed, Biggles: Adventures in Time, Sahara (yes, the Brook Sheilds one), but this was one of my faves at the time. Not sure if it holds up, but I'd like to find out.



8. My Best Friend is a Vampire (1988)



Another flick I haven't had the pleasure of seeing, but I remember way back in the day the TV spots would play Blondie's One Way or Another. Not to be confused with the Jim Carrey flick, Once Bitten, but this follows pretty much the same premise as a dude who's becoming a vampire after some good sexing.



9. The Black Sheep Squadron (Volume 2) (aka Baa Baa Black Sheep) (1976-1978)



Okay, they got Volume 1 on DVD, but what about the rest? Fuckers. Release that shit! I need to finish up the series! Well, I've read the book written by Gregory "Pappy" Boyington and it pretty much ends with him in a Japanese POW camp. But the first half of the book is about him and his airborne fighter aces fending of the Japs in WW II for which the show was based. It starred all sorts of people. Robert Conrad, John Larroquette, Dana Elcar, Robert Ginty, Charles Napier, Simon Oakland, George Gaynes, Sharon Gless, James Whitmore Jr., etc.



10. Friday the 13th the Series (1987-1990)



We got our Kolchak, so now let's get Jack Marshak and friends back on the case of the paranormal. Basically, these antique store owners hunt down and catalogue cursed objects. There's one episode I remember about a cursed hearing aid that attached itself to some guy's brain and yanked it all out.



11. Tales of the Gold Monkey (1982-1983)



Okay, since I'm on a TV kick, what about Tales of the Gold Monkey? This was a kinda TV-based Indiana Jones starring Stephen Collins gnawing on a cigar flying around in a plane called Cutter's Goose having adventures and shit. From what I understand there's a bootleg version available somewhere, but fuck that noise. I wanna see it in all it's muddy 1982 TV quality the best tech the DVD can muster.



12. The Road Warrior (Special Edition) (1981)



Well, it's on DVD, but I'm not fuckin' statified. I want a fuckin' special edition Road Warrior. Get off your ass, you fuckin' Jew-hater and give us the special edition this classic deserves!





13. Crimewave (Region 2) (1985)





Sam Raimi directed a Cohen Brothers' script which was an ode to the slapstick gangster film which has arguably the best Bruce Campbell performance since Ash J. Williams of the Evil Dead movies. Of course, from what I remember Raimi hated the final result. For one, the powers that be took Bruce out of the starring role to pave the way for future comedic thespian... uh, what's his name? Fuck it. They fucked up there, but Renaldo the Heel will live in our penises forever.

50 Random Thoughts--Because I was Tagged

I was tagged by Tricia's blog.

1. I wish Electric Dreams was on DVD.
2. I wish Monster Squad was on DVD.
3. I wish High Road to China was on DVD.
3. I wish Howard the Duck was on DVD.
4. I wish Sugar Hill was on Region-1 DVD.


5. I wish this Living Dead Dolly wasn't starin' back at me while I'm in the nook.
6. I wish I had all the Scooby-Doo shows on DVD.
7. I wish my coffee would stay the same temperature at all times.
8. Hate the bottom chunk of the cold coffee turning to mud.
9. I wonder if that can of compressed air duster works on blowing the snot crumbs outta my nasal cavities.
10. Sometimes I wish I could suck my own dick.
11. No, I don't think that's cheating.
12. No, I won't think of James Gunn every time.
13. I wonder what I want for my birthday.
14. Probably the first 4 to manifest itself.
15. I wonder if that Kristy Swanson movie's any good.


16. Damn.
17. What the fuck is that Magic Lantern thing called in Flight Plan?
18. I wanna get that for Zander.
19. I wonder what the girlfriend person wants to do today.
20. It's our Los Angeles Anniversary week.
21. I wasn't impressed with Fast Food Nation the movie.
22. Loved the book, movie was, "eh."
23. I don't know what these are, but they look fuckin' cool!


24. Why does the new Harry Potter look like Dustin Diamond (Screech from Saved by the Bell)--before the porn video?
25. The cats always poo at 4 AM.
26. At 5 AM, they walk around with kitty litter all over the joint.
27. Hey, look, I think we didn't win the lottery again.
28. But we have like 10 bucks in scratcher wins we never cashed in.
29. Wikipedia kicks ass.
30. Why does Weather.com take forever to load?
31. I hate typing when I have to cut my nails.
32. Why does Wilty Will T always call at 1 AM?
33. And then NEVER leaves a message?
34. Man, I gotta go Downtown one of these days.
35. Tricia keeps interrupting me while writing this.
36. Looks like I'm on episode 3 of Scooby-Doo Season 1.
37. I've seen it.
38. It's the one with Captain Cutler's ghost.
39. And who surfs in the middle of the night in a dead fog?
40. I wonder if Darth James can make sense of this.
41. I wonder what happened to that orange cat in the back yard?
42. He used to be curled up in the freezing snow.
43. I wonder if he was scooped up by a hungry pigeon.
44. Do they have pigeons here?
45. Looks like I'm approaching the mud portion of the coffee.
46. Oh, wait! There's the orange cat!
47. I think the girlfriend person would take it in, but it might have toxoplasmosis.
48. I wonder what it's thinking.
49. He just stares into a blank oblivion.
50. Wow. Ignored the squirrel.

News on FEEDING FRENZY

So, I'm checkin' my email, right, I find an email saying something to the effect, "I want to read your script. I have lots of options and I'm looking for the right horror script. We want to film in Romania. Nicholas Biron."

First thought: Horror script? He might be talkin' about Feeding Frenzy aka Flush Zone. And Feeding Frenzy is currently posted on Inktip. So, I go to Inktip and don't recognize the name. But then I also posted the script on the New England Film site. But in each case the logline mentions first and foremost that it's set on the 4th of July (which I should change anyway). Okay, not only that, it's set in Santa Monica. Sure, they can change it all around. I dont' care as long as they make the damn flick. So, I'm like, fine I'll send Feeding Frenzy if that's the script he's talkin' about.

So, I Google and IMDb the shit outta this fine lad, Nicholas Biron, and find out that he was a crew member on a film directed by Fred (Limp Bizkit) Durst called The Education of Charlie Banks. Fine lad Nicholas Biron also appears to be a production assistant according to Google. The name and emails are consistent so I believe he's a legit dude who probably wants to break out and do his own shit.

So, Feeding Frenzy is out and about and may end up in the hands of Limp Bizkit. We shall see. Oh, we shall see.

And before all ya'll ask, yes, it's quite a coincidence that Feeding Frenzy was just posted above a blog called Dead Meat. And the stories are NOT related in anyway other than the fact that I wrote 'em.

Oh, and yes, the rumors are very, very true. I listened to all the Sloppy Seconds records while writing this particular script.

DEAD MEAT Makes the Quarter-finals in the FADE IN AWARDS

Anyway, to the meat of this blog...

Looks like that Philip Davetas character made the Fade In Awards (Quarter-Finals). Observe:


The Full Quarter-Final List

My reason for posting this totally jackassy vanity blog is to thank all you kick-assers for sending me some really awesome congrats and lots of cool shit. So, instead of responding to every single email and typin' 'em all out this follows:

pat redux, dude, thanks again and best of luck to your friend who also made the Quarter-Finals.

Ed, thanks for the email and kind words, but who said you could call me Phil?

Corybelle, I say thanks while givin' you a no-look flip-off. And The Cogi is one mean cocksucker.

Joseph™, thanks for the 22 exclamation points. Yes, I counted them. Actually, I kept losin' count, then said, "Fuck it." But I think I came up to 22.

Just Linda, once a jigga, always a jigga. Thanks for your sayin' some really cool shit.

Celia, yes, it's true. I'm pretty fuckin' badass. I hate to sound humble, but yes, I'm pretty fuckin' kickass.

Jamie, not to be confused with my Jaime, thanks for the "congrats" and the "awesome" thrown in on the side there.

GmanC, thanks for the words, man. Keep makin' those flicks. Killer Klowns from Outerspace is still a fuckin' classic!

James Gunn, dude, thanks for everything this week. I know my email gets lost in your fan mail sometimes, but thanks for sayin' something.

Betsy, congrats to you for making the Quarter-Finals also this year in the very same contest, but above all, thanks.

Tricia (aka Tee2), yes, I got your meaning the first time around, but thanks for taking the time out to actually say something. I know you're probably hanging off a cliff with a gang of natives spitting poisonous fireballs and all.

Bowitz, dude, that's some awesome art ya got there. And I too would like to see Dead Meat made into a flick.

And thanks to all you folks on Zoetrope for reading and critiquing the script.

Big Names in the FADE IN AWARDS

Okay, clearly there are some really big names attached to this contest, but I'm not sure what roles they play. Sponsors? Judges? Don't know, but what I do know these are writers of such fine films like Die Hard, Three Kings, Men in Black, Con Air, The Green Mile, A Simple Plan, etc.

FADE IN ADVISORY BOARD

Frank Darabont
Steven de Souza
Scott Frank
James Gray
Nicholas Kazan
Scott Rosenberg
Eric Roth
David O. Russell
Ed Solomon
Robin Swicord

Now, I don't expect to actually win any of these prizes, but it sure would be fuckin' cool if I did.

OVER $15,000 IN PRIZES!

GRAND PRIZE: iMac Computer, plus an expense-paid trip (hotel & airfare) to meet with top literary agents and studio executives for three days and two nights (or cash equivalent).

FIRST PRIZE: (in each category): $750, script analysis by WGA-credited writer, Waterman fountain pen, and one-year Fade In subscription.

SECOND PRIZE: (in each category): $500, script analysis by WGA-credited writer, one-year Fade In subscription.

THIRD PRIZE: (in each category): $250, script analysis by WGA-credited writer, one-year Fade In subscription.

Winners will appear in an up-coming issue of Fade In, Variety and/or Hollywood Reporter.

Why Did I Write DEAD MEAT?

It was around 2002, when I was trying to figure out what I wanted to write after my Santa Monica zombie story. I was starving to death, because I didn't have any money. My friends at CineFile took pity on me and let me rent DVDs for free and fed me on occassion. It then I revitalized a sense of doing something that I wanted to do. Something that didn't cater to the likes of the average homogenized Saturday Night movie-goers, but something I wanted to do if I had carte blanche. Basically, a movie that couldn't ever be made because of its twisted subject matter, but still had the formula of a hardcore action flick with douses of sci-fi and horror. I said, "Yes, I wanna write something about the fast food industry and the heroes would be these society misfits. Yeah, that's what I wanna do." That's right about the time my fuckin' HP broke the fuck down and I had to raise money I didn't have to buy a new computer.

That's when I got back to reading books and comics. Oh, thanks, Robert, for loanin' me all your comics. They really opened my eyes to what was possible beyond the media of film. I started sketching some pictures of Popcorn Rockaway. I said, "That's my first heroine. Now I need some villians. Ah, how about these dudes called the Troubleshooters."

I drew those guys on a little sliver of blank spot in my Anthropology book at the end of the chapter. So, why isn't it a comic book yet? To make a long story short, I decided to scrap the comic book project after seeing Sin City. Then I scored a new computer and then finished the script and wrote The Horrors of Frank Ackerman. I go into more detail in my FAQ section in WillmoreCity.com about all that.

But you will see Popcorn Rockaway again...

After Thoughts

In the end, what's really cool is that this is a really twisted screenplay about the corruption of the fast food industry embedded with lots of political overtones. It's uber-loaded with action and twisted science-fiction whackiness that it's so fuckin' bad-ass of these readers to actually validate this script as something worthwhile. While, it's not really a contender against those feel-good dramas that will most likely win the grand prize, it's still pretty damn cool. I'm not so big-headed about all this, but more stoked than impressed with myself.

So, thanks again for the motherfuckereth time, everyone.